Will it, should it...

I was having this wierd feeling, like someone was watching me. And it happens often, mostly because the shadows of friends past are around me constantly, all the time. I don't get it, and I'm not sure I like it either. I had a friend, a good friend, one I thought would be around for the long haul, and well, let's just say that she isn't.  Turns out...she IS still around. She is in the faces of my new friends, and shows up in the actions of strangers. Makes me crazy, because my ploy to out of sight out of mind her can't be applied here when my brain is the culprit of my own live friends past feed. I have always believed that we aren't allowed to move past something, someone, some instance without taking with us the lesson that is to be learned. It will repeat itself over and over again until you take a solid moment and absorb it into your newly obtained blueprint for life. I have been trying to rebuild my friendships for a while, being okay with not getting the love back, yadayadayada. I've actually adopted a new way of thinking and honestly it's worked out great, or so I think. I mean, I feel like it's the only way that I can protect myself. I have vowed to only give away what I can afford to be without, with my friends and now recently, with my family. But what do you do when that conflicts terribly with your instinct to do the opposite? That is not who I am. I am not a partial lover. I love fulltime, all the time and to hold back for the sake of restructuring my insides, feels not natural. I need to find the means of architectural bliss and mesh that with what will not only build a killer frame, but also embellish my esthetics with flare that can only be adorned by those that claim to love me back. As I write this, I'm embarrassed to claim insecurity knowing that love is given and received in so many ways, and to seek it out in only the forms that I give it, is not only immature but wishful thinking for anyone who wants to sustain any type of relationship with me. I am very sensitive, overly emotional but carry with me the exterior of a bull fighter. That can be mistaken for many things. At times, eventhough I am a walking contradiction, knowing that this transparency can get me absolutely no where is much harder than acknowledging that where I am in this very moment is a result of my own actions. I will not make any excuses for the outcomes that were my past ventures. Not only do I believe that every woman has the power to navigate their own love life, but we also have the power to navigate the rest. We have no one to blame but ourselves for the predicaments we lie in.  I am responsible, and now this new found admittance will guide my new found framing and allow only those willing to assist in keeping it strong to walk along my side.

On another note, I got the best form of confirmation the other day. It was marvelous, it was bliss, it was mentally orgasmic. And I could not have scripted it better myself. Except that I did. In my mind, I willed it...and to fruition it came. That is all, how's that for vague?

evolution at it's worst...

I have never felt more validated in my life, passively validated, but validated nonetheless.  I will take it and run so far up the alley of redemption that neon lights will be my footprints...and for days, miles even, "I TOLD YOU SO" will live as residue all over those that opposed the evidence and didn't heed advice when it was presented in the obvious form.

Adan started kindergarten, Luca got himself born and we are officially a family of four.  I am no expert here, but it appears that my plate is full, and as much as I wanted to be busy in this fair form, having two children is much heavier than having just one.  I will brag a minute and say that Marcus and I taught Adan to be as independent as possible before Luca came so that we wouldn't be stretched too thin and we have been very successful in this attempt.  Yea us!

The struggle with girlfriends has made itself scarce lately, and I have felt so loved recently it makes me feel a bit unbelievable.  True friendships have migrated my way and my new family has been the reaper of such great gifts.  Since Luca has been born, we have had an uncountable number of people visit, bring gifts, feed us and love us, it has made me cry, literally.  I have never had friends like this before, and the overwhelming surge of love has given me whiplash. It has shown up, jolted my core and allowed me to see my worth as a person and to accept the love in the abundance it's been given.

I have been saying no to God lately, or deferring a response only worthy of a yes for an infinite time later.  I am ashamed at the thought of saying no to Him because what He can do when you respond with yes is life changing, world changing even.  Matthew West sings this song called, Do Something, and it answers the argument people have with God about how unfair this world is.  Like if God really existed, then why isn't He fixing all the problems we have in this world?  Truth is, I didn't need Matthew West to tell me otherwise, my bible has educated me on the simple response needed when contributing to the ailment of our world. But sometimes as I have mentioned before, music can give me a song jump only worthy of making it a reality.  And this song in particular shows up at His opportune time, not mine, and the time has come for me to say yes. 

It will start here.

In the meantime, for your my viewing pleasure of course, please enjoy these.

Luca's Baby Room.  Black and White was my official palette, but other accents made their way in and this was the bones. There are things in his room now, not pictured that have polished it off completely.  All in all, we love it and so does he.

You remember that commercial, "show me what's in your wallet", well this is sorta the same thing, except it is Luca's diaper bag.  I got this Louis as a push present when we had Adan, and used it as his diaper bag, officially it's called the Neverfull GM, and it truly is...NEVER FULL.  However with Adan, I just jam packed it with anything and everything without any true organization, and this time I was on the hunt for something that I could compartmentalize and pull out in it's entirety when I needed in. Number one requirement for me was something that I could separate and organize, and viola.

My BOYS.

 



Bite me...

Whose confidence do you carry? Is it your own? Is it self grown or self taught? Did you observe it over time and now via osmosis you are a form of brave you think you can be proud of? There is a new beast of women out there who mimic confidence and walk assuredly in their sense of entitlement. My job is serious. I can kill someone with my mistake. I can injure someone's whole life with my careless thoughtless care. If I don't hold myself accountable, and don't appreciate those who attempt to, I will never see the importance that is my 12hr shift. I rolled my eyes at the beginning of my start at CMCD, the procedures we carry, the process of recovery, the path to transfer and so forth. Just thought many a times, "man, this pace blows, but the pay sure is nice". It took time, months even for me to appreciate why it's done the way it is. I know my role, too well, dumbing it down while being taught is something that you just do, so you can plow through someone else's idea of right in the interim of independent assignments. You "oooh", and "oh, so that's how it's done", throw in an occasional,  "wow, I don't know if I can do that", for 12 weeks or so then adopt your own experience with your new merger and start your practice. Part of my confidence comes in being honest. I've never lied to my patients. Coming from P Land, as an adult cardiac ICU nurse, if I had a man tugging at his Foley, I quickly responded with, "if you keep pulling that, your penis will stop working and you won't be able to have sex anymore". If I had a women who frequent flyered our unit for CHF exacerbation and she looked at me with sympathetic eyes as she stuffed her face with the fast food brought by her daughter, I didn't hesitate to take that away and tell her, "that's exactly what brought you back in here, you can't eat that, at least not while I'm your nurse". And now, with these babies, when my family's ask about their child's prognosis, I am honest, I know my boundaries, never cross them, however, I never lie to them to avoid the awkwardness and devastating presence that is their dying child. I watched a woman with the look of impending doom, stare me down, never losing eye contact, die, right in front of me because I did not advocate enough for intervention. Because I cared too much about what my provider would think of me. I take that with me everywhere now. I see her all the time. She encourages my honesty when I round and request something be done. I'm not afraid to come across brash or forward. If that honesty will keep you alive, you will hear me. Being direct and honest is not far from my reach. I carry that trait, albeit good or bad, with me in everything I do. I pride myself in you never having to guess where I stand, solicited of course, either way though, no surprises ever. And nothing, and I mean NOTHING, upsets me more than when someone goes around me to have their accomplice attempt to rectify or address something they should have the guts to do themselves. If you are in a "leadership" role, that I quickly learned is pure fluff, and can't address me directly, then you are weak. And I am laughing at you, hard. I'm going real immature as to even point at you mentally and make fun of your inadequacy and lack of confidence to do your own "dirty work". There will come a time when, "I told you so", will be on my fishing rod tongue, and what you need to leave with is knowing that that bait has been marinating for quite some time, and if anyone should be worried, it's you. My emotional state will not override this ever present climax of events that is to come, my ever standing, ever present true confidence will be what reels my catch in. No breaking of the rod here my friends, the fish will be caught, and have scales for days. And even though I am not a taxidermist by trade, eventhough I wanna be now more than ever, please do not come to me to assist you as you attempt to filet that sucker open when the time comes.

Sorry folks, no photo dump today...just me venting...as usual.

Have a great day.

here is my intentional...

Almost embarrassed when I looked and realized how long it had been since I was last here.  Beyond embarrassed actually, more like mortified at the idea of returning with nothing to say, no clever segway to my photo bombs and just me blabbering about my qualms at work.  Truth is, the front has been awful heavy, with all kinds of goodness.  I'm pregnant, in case you didn't know.  Took us nearly three years to conceive this little bean, and it's a boy.  Wouldn't have it any other way, I mean, there's only room for one girl in this house, truth be told, I hope it's always me and not some floozy these boys decide to bring home one day.  I'm sort of at the stage that maybe, just maybe, there might be room for one more, but in case you didn't know, these grand kids have a pattern, and they alternate sexes, and the next one would be girl (ie. me not being the lone cookie, BIG PROBLEM). So, needless to say, whilst the doctor has her scalpel and sutures at her trained finger tips, we might have her lace up my tubes in a pretty bow and tuck those suckers away for my already lazy eggs to travel to, um, no where.  It's fine, they will be fine, they won't know any different, they already never make it where they belong anyways, lazy little suckers.  So here's what's been on the front, oh yea, and it's been accompanied by many a song jump, an intense form of the ladder choices I've made in the past.  If you are a new reader, and don't quite get it, it's okay, you will later.  Adan is 5. He starts kindergarten in the Fall. I feel so overwhelmed. There has been so much change in such a little time, all over the place, all around me, everywhere.  Life threatening, now there's a word that is thrown around way too much.  Amazing, surreal...if I hear those again, I will shoot the person regurging them into their vocabulary on the spot, and never look back.  But, if I were being at all honest with myself, those three words not only have been taking up quite the spot in my head, but have been living on the tip of my fishing rod of a tongue for a long time. And I have been baiting, almost on the daily, but I have never liked fishing.  As a matter of fact, I've only been once, and even though I actually never held the rod, I worked that task like the metaphor queen that I am.  And as I sat there, observing the pointless task that is "fishing", I started thinking about how we are all fisherman.  Some of us fish with makeup, some of us fish with words, and I my dear, am a fisherman of emotions.  I am an emotional fisherman. I am weak alone, and when I fish, I am looking for something, someone to walk with in my state of hunger.  I am so damn hungry, that sometimes when I bait my rod, I am not even taking into consideration the school that is beneath me waiting to bite, and before I know it, I have gotten so many bites, my rod has broken and I can't catch a break, literally.  Self sabotage has become the residue that lingers on my hook, but I'll be damned if I let some life threatening episode turn into some surreal event that prevents my amazing climax that is my family's ever after.  See what I did there?  Any volunteers, I mean, I'll even walk right into your bullet. 

Seeing as how it's been since October of last year since I visited my blog, I had to majorly cut down on the photo dump, you're welcome!  But in case you are at all curious, this is what's been on the low down/high ground at Ese'me.

Megan.  What can I say, I love her dearly, and she always includes me in her life events.  I feel so honored to have her as a friend and love her so much.  She doesn't need my love, or anyone's for that matter, but she has it in abundance via her friends, family and sweet husband...and now that lil Vossie is here, her cup runneth over.

JuJu.  Well, this young man, has changed so much over the years, and he excelled so much his last year of school and one of the sports that took him along for a hell of a ride was power lifting.  He kicked ass, and found his calling.

Mama bear let me snap a few of her growing belly, and I was so thankful, again, to be a part of her life event.

We were the loudest on the block, our neighbors came out wondering what all the yelling was about...oh don't mind us, just a bunch of Mexicans slapping "coscorones" on our heads to celebrate the Risen King. LOL!

Senior Pics...I met him when he was turning 5, he was going into kindergarten and now he has graduated.  I am at the end of both spectrum's with young men in my life.  Adan is where JuJu was 13 yrs ago, and time flew, and I know it will with Adan too.  I'm devastated looking forward to it.

I'm obsessed with making his birthday parties so special.  If I do anything right with my children it will be that they will know I love the crap out of them, and they will have any kind of birthday they want, and momma will always make everything.  This year it was Wild Kratts, he's obsessed, and I'd be lying if I said it was easy.  Even though I didn't sew this year, it was so darn time consuming, all those Pinterest mommas who shared their ideas, are liars.  Either way, it was a success and all 19 kids, and their families had a blast, and little bugga did too!!!

THE PROOF

See what I mean.  Dying.  I'm dying, inside, a little bit every day.



Some say it and others spray it...

Can you recall your childhood memories?  I can. Sometimes too well. Turns out I was kind of a bully. At least that's what my sisters say. Here's the thing.  I don't believe that, not for one bit. I've said it before that there are some of us born with our fists up and others that are not.  But do you really think that one is better than the other?  I do.  I have witnessed lately, more than I think I have in my entire existence, a collection of women who think they are doing themselves a favor by keeping their mouth shut.  Can you believe that?  Listen up ladies, what I am about to say may offend you, but it might very well save your life if you do it.  Speak up.  Speak up often.  You think that by keeping it in you are resolving to be the bigger person, when in reality you are not.  Believe it or not, I have not always been this type of outspoken before.  Don't get me wrong, I have always been loud, obnoxious and filter free, however, when things bothered me, or if approached with a dilemma and the inevitable awkwardness was on the horizon, I would just keep my mouth shut to avoid anything that might ruffle the feathers.  It hasn't been until probably my 30ish birthday when I came to the realization that I am pretty amazing, with or without my ability to hide behind my muzzle.  That opening in the very forefront of my face is useful for more than just the hand to mouth shove.  What I have always honored is the invite for opinion, and now, more than ever I hold on to that truth.  But what I will not honor is blatant idiocracy at my expense.  I will not wimp out and say nothing.  I have learned to pick and choose my battles, in my marriage, with my girlfriends and in life, but when you complain about a situation that you have just experienced, and open up to me about how you wished you would have said something to change the outcome, I have to keep myself from picking you up, wrapping you around my mental sling shot and volleying you to the other side of the room.  This is me screaming to you to wake up and realize that you are teaching people how to treat you.  That's right, you heard me.  Sit back, allow people to sling it on you, and they will continue to do it.  All I'm saying is that in my 33 years of life, I am okay with not having everyone like me, sure, would it be nice if everyone I spoke with, worked with, ate with adored me, waited on baited breath to hear what I had to say...sure, but I have arrived at the junction in my life where I know that isn't going to happen, and rightly so.  I am okay with my fists up.  I'm not saying you need to start taking up boxing, unless you do, then give me a ring because I've always wanted to join a fight club, but am too chicken to go alone...but what I'm saying is to please, PLEASE, stop hiding in silence and then bleeding your traumatized ego in an audience, because this girl who has finally learned to break her silence is gonna start telling you to take those scars somewhere else.  On a much lighter and promising note, the weather is ever changing in these here parts of Dallas, and I am all over it.  May I suggest you evolve with it.  In the meantime, so much to show you and so little time, so please take pleasure in these pics...and that's me speaking up, telling you to be a bit nosy and see what we've been up to the past several weeks.  Love you, mean it.

 

Oh to live in a great city, is to take the train.  And we do it as often as we can.  The circus was here folks, and if you didn't have a chance to see it, then I'm sorry for you, because it was so good, I mean SOOOO good.  Truth is, anything that can make my lil bugga smile like that is somewhere we get to, and quick.

So very sad the summer is over and we can't have Mommy and Me until next year, but we sure did take advantage of this summer heat and of our pool.  Adan took up ISR, shortly after we stopped our other swim school, and she had him swimming in 3 days and that just enabled more of a love for the water than we could give him.  Needless to say, we will be heating the pool this fall and taking dips as often as we can.

I got this letter in the mail a while back that invited Adan to join a "sticker club".  He had no clue what it really was, until he started to get stickers in the mail.  And now, he just loves to check the mail.  We have gotten stickers from all over the place, and he gets crazy excited when he sees he name on an envelope.

Top Golf. 'Nuff Said.

We go every year and love it every single time.  I'm not really a super big baseball sports fan, but that's not why I go.  I get the chance to see this...my family all together, in one place, spending time together and laughing until we pee can't breathe.

Marcus is always really great at just about everything he does, including planning our vacations.  This year he chose for us to go to Orange Beach.  It's a sneaky little beach, small, not crowded, but oh so beautiful. It was so fun and I just love when we incur a hiccup, in this case it was my husband, his affinity for fishing and the fishes affinity for his flesh, eeek. 

Labor Day.  The end of summer, officially, right?  At least that is what the calenders say.  Riri came in town, it was a holiday and it marked the anniversary of our move into our new home, so that means, PARTY!!!  We had so much fun, and love having had the opportunity to hang out with all of you.

Do you know this kid?  I don't.  I mean I do, but jeez, he is so big.  Last year when he started MDO, the weather creeped up on us, and I had nothing jeans wise or sweats for him, thinking that it was too hot to shop for that.  I wasn't going to make that mistake this year, so I cleaned his closet out, and nothing fit for the fall.  Which can only mean one thing, shopping, and I had to buy him size 7 in jeans.  In a slim of course.  WOW!

I think we hit our max with weddings this summer, and just before it officially ended, we went to one more.  I met Emily at Adan's MDO, her little boy and Adan just love each other and through their tiny bromance we started a friendship too.  Congrats you two.

And this little fool wore this...in his new size 7's.

I just love where he is right now.  He started Tball earlier this year, and now soccer.  I started playing sports at his age, and I am living through him right now and loving every minute of it.  He's pretty good too, I mean, as good as chasing a ball can be, ha.

 

who will be the one...

I am a little obsessed with reality TV.  I have conversations with my sister about these people like we are friends, and they might actually care what I have to say regarding the predicaments they lie in.  If the TV had the reverse effect and they had the chance to see what went on in my home, work and life, I wonder if they would be as surprised as I am when I see it in them.  We all have a series.  We just don't get paid to share it.  Some of you don't realize that your mouth is the biggest drop down screen for us all to see you in the most vivid color.  And your denial of such is just the remote control that we didn't ask for, and now have, subscribing us the ability to turn you on and off.  I never thought that I was a gadget girl until now.  I will be taking my new love of the electronics and creating a collection.  A collection that I can return to often when you appear, or anyone of your liking, so when confronted with what you think your reality is, I can quickly change the channel.  Now tune in folks, because I got something to share.  It's my reality, it's completely and utterly true and just about the only thing that is worth the chase.

Friday FUNights in the summer.  My fave I think.  I am so glad that we had so many day shifters this time, we were out numbered, and I must say, I kinda liked it...dare I say loved it.  We went back to Glass Cactus and saw the infamous Spazmatics, and needless to say, we had a great time. 

There are very few people that are good all the way to their core.  Like when the situation gets heated, the kitchen gets too hot or they have an opponent spitting fire...remain calm, collected and most importantly don't let the funk get in.  I met someone like that 2 years ago.  He made my transition to CMC easy, and his presence was always calming, loving but most importantly it was informative.  He never let an opportunity pass without education on the forefront, he never disrespected his teammates and always remained loving.  And now, he is also leaving, and I am so sad.  Dr. Mark Clay has been a blessing to know and an even more pleasure to just be around.  I am better for having worked with him.  We will miss you.

Marcus loves to fish, and he loves to show Adan how to fish.  These two people make my entire world.  They both make me so happy.  I just love having Marcus come home from work, and Adan's face when the "ding" sounds as the garage door opens is priceless.  I am so blessed and it doesn't go without thanksgiving.

It was August 30, 1980.  I had just turned 3 and this man was the one chosen to save my life.  I was born with a congenital heart defect, and the love this man has to heal children's hearts was just the cure that little girl needed so very long ago.  It's really remarkable what I can remember from those days in the hospital.  I remember 4 things...1. They threw me a party, and gave me a multiple layer chocolate cake, and I opened a gift that was a box filled with rainbow colored sticks 2. When they were singing to me, I remember an Asian man walking in the midst of the nurses (and now, I can confidently say it was my surgeon) 3. I couldnt speak, in an oxygen tent, and I was thirsty, signaling to my mom that I was thirsty 4. I was in the playroom and they kicked us out because it was time to clean.
His name is Dr. Hisashi Nikaidoh, and without his pure existence and gift, I may not be here today.  I am forever grateful and blessed to not only have had him in my life back then, but very blessed to have had the opportunity to see him face to face again.  If you love to read, and have a few tears to shed, may I suggest reading his book, Healing Hearts

We had a little Mommy and Me swim date at my house, and it was so much fun.  I just love to share our backyard with friends.  I love that my little boy is enthused at the idea of having friends over.  I love that he has introduced me to some amazing women that have already taught me so much.  I hope that we can continue our summer fun together. 

 



The breakwind...

I have been bothered a lot lately.  Big surprise I know, right?  But people seem to think that their strengths, the ones on the big display, are the good ones.  Like their ability to continue to flaunt it means that we should align with their thinking somehow.  Or better yet, they feel like THE architect of knowledge, and their blueprints are the mold for us all.  I have said it before...I feel gifted to have an eclectic group of friends, from many different backgrounds with many different beliefs.  With that said, I feel that my builder is/was incomparable.  One that layed one heck of a foundation, and one that I will extend beyond my own capability at times.  I wonder if when people walk through their lives, they happen to stumble on the cracks that are their mistakes with the ability to take in the residue that has covered their footsteps. I just can't imagine not learning a thing or two from the castors that the good Lord has given me to walk with.  Sometimes I wonder if those same callouses whose sole purpose is a barrier, serve as an unmeasurable, unwarranted purpose to your strength in ignorance.  Newsflash, it isn't bliss anymore.  It will be a sage of unwanted cleansing from my ora and completely unwelcome.  I have been overwhelmed emotionally and I had forgotten where my evolution resides.  It hasn't moved.  My plot continues to sojourn in the same place it always has, and that basic fundamental truth is the only anchor this momma needs.  I feel lucky to be exactly where I am.  I feel blessed to learn from the splinters I continue to catch in my armour, but mostly I feel loved by my inner framing.  The ability to fabricate love from the bones of a once hollow build is only permissible by my Saviour Jesus Christ.  His gift of love allotted my proudest residence.  I share them with you now, and share them with you always. 

 

 

KJ, officially now, had herself a little party in Austin.  Invited some of her coworkers.  And we got down y'all.  Austin's been getn the "get down" outta me for the summer, and I'm quite happy about it.  So happy for these two.  They are just about the sweetest two people anyone could have in their lives, and they topped my summer wedding invite list at #3.

Never needing a reason to have my friends over, I just thought it'd be nice to invite some of them over for a little dip.  Guest list topped at just under 200, thank you Facebook, and I was quite enthused at the 27 that showed up.  Each and every single one of you that stepped foot in my door, and moreover, was asked to by me personally, have a special place in my heart.  Thanks for partying with me, and we shall do it again sometime, ya here!

Oh man.  And so it begins.  I cannot tell you how proud I am of this little guy.  He is so obedient.  So loving.  So stubborn.  So smart-alicky.  So, just Adan.  We had so much fun this season playing T-ball.  We were loved, we were encouraged and mostly we were in the company of others that have a passion for their kids.  It was refreshing, it was hot and it went by way too quick.

Besides my husband, there isn't another sole on this earth that makes me challenge my thinking, appreciate my sole existence, embrace my reason for living and make me a better person.  Mary Virginia however, is just about as close as it gets when you talk about your soul sister.  She has blown me away.  Taken me by surprise, and now she is leaving.  South Carolina is unknowingly lucky to have her.  And I am mortifyingly aware of how unfortunate her being gone...out right stinks.  I love you so much and will miss you terribly.

Klyde Warren Park.  It never gets old.  Adan and I invited some of our best buds to play.  We packed some grub, got on the train, walked a few blocks and played until our toes hurt.  I'm lucky that my little boy has a heart for friendships and find myself blessed that his friendships have brought me friendships.