Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Bite me...

Whose confidence do you carry? Is it your own? Is it self grown or self taught? Did you observe it over time and now via osmosis you are a form of brave you think you can be proud of? There is a new beast of women out there who mimic confidence and walk assuredly in their sense of entitlement. My job is serious. I can kill someone with my mistake. I can injure someone's whole life with my careless thoughtless care. If I don't hold myself accountable, and don't appreciate those who attempt to, I will never see the importance that is my 12hr shift. I rolled my eyes at the beginning of my start at CMCD, the procedures we carry, the process of recovery, the path to transfer and so forth. Just thought many a times, "man, this pace blows, but the pay sure is nice". It took time, months even for me to appreciate why it's done the way it is. I know my role, too well, dumbing it down while being taught is something that you just do, so you can plow through someone else's idea of right in the interim of independent assignments. You "oooh", and "oh, so that's how it's done", throw in an occasional,  "wow, I don't know if I can do that", for 12 weeks or so then adopt your own experience with your new merger and start your practice. Part of my confidence comes in being honest. I've never lied to my patients. Coming from P Land, as an adult cardiac ICU nurse, if I had a man tugging at his Foley, I quickly responded with, "if you keep pulling that, your penis will stop working and you won't be able to have sex anymore". If I had a women who frequent flyered our unit for CHF exacerbation and she looked at me with sympathetic eyes as she stuffed her face with the fast food brought by her daughter, I didn't hesitate to take that away and tell her, "that's exactly what brought you back in here, you can't eat that, at least not while I'm your nurse". And now, with these babies, when my family's ask about their child's prognosis, I am honest, I know my boundaries, never cross them, however, I never lie to them to avoid the awkwardness and devastating presence that is their dying child. I watched a woman with the look of impending doom, stare me down, never losing eye contact, die, right in front of me because I did not advocate enough for intervention. Because I cared too much about what my provider would think of me. I take that with me everywhere now. I see her all the time. She encourages my honesty when I round and request something be done. I'm not afraid to come across brash or forward. If that honesty will keep you alive, you will hear me. Being direct and honest is not far from my reach. I carry that trait, albeit good or bad, with me in everything I do. I pride myself in you never having to guess where I stand, solicited of course, either way though, no surprises ever. And nothing, and I mean NOTHING, upsets me more than when someone goes around me to have their accomplice attempt to rectify or address something they should have the guts to do themselves. If you are in a "leadership" role, that I quickly learned is pure fluff, and can't address me directly, then you are weak. And I am laughing at you, hard. I'm going real immature as to even point at you mentally and make fun of your inadequacy and lack of confidence to do your own "dirty work". There will come a time when, "I told you so", will be on my fishing rod tongue, and what you need to leave with is knowing that that bait has been marinating for quite some time, and if anyone should be worried, it's you. My emotional state will not override this ever present climax of events that is to come, my ever standing, ever present true confidence will be what reels my catch in. No breaking of the rod here my friends, the fish will be caught, and have scales for days. And even though I am not a taxidermist by trade, eventhough I wanna be now more than ever, please do not come to me to assist you as you attempt to filet that sucker open when the time comes.
Sorry folks, no photo dump today...just me venting...as usual.
Have a great day.

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