Monday, January 21, 2013

say what...

Nobody is perfect.  I know that, you know that, we all know that.  Or do we?  It's obvious to some that the coating on the outside is just that, coating.  I carry one heck of a coating.  Turns out, so does everyone around me.  We all have one.  Some of you coat shinny.  Some of you coat dull.  Some of you coat shear.  So shear in fact, that when an attempt to see past that coating occurs, we get our faces slammed, and slammed hard.  An inevitable self recovery takes over, we realize we are too close, and the resultant awkwardness begins.  If we aren't careful that awkwardness quickly turns into a never ending cycle of unattainable redemption on the part of our inner pressure washer.   I kind of pride myself in my thoughtfulness.  You have all heard me say, or read me write that I really, and I mean really struggle with the lack of love I get back.  I extend myself too much emotionally to my friends and family and when I don't get it back, I am emotionally deflated.  And look, I am not quick to say that I am victimized in this.  The truth is, if I gave it freely without desiring anything back, I probably would get it back.  I ain't no fool people, just inpatient and human.  Word?  I had this friend, who I can confidently now say was/is dead inside.  I was beyond emotionally available to this person when our bottom line never aligned.  She never knew it when we spoke.  She never knew it when she confided.  She never knew it when we broke bread.  My coat, is of the chameleon.  And for her it was something special.  Mostly because, unlike many people, I believe that we can all be friends.  That we can all extend a part of ourselves to each other for the sake of humanity.  I believe that just because we don't believe the same, and because we don't live the same, because we aren't ingrained the same, we can still love each other, support each other and be present for one another.  Don't you?  Or are we so falsely integrated, that our qualms have the color and the water fountains still label where I may drink?  I am thirsty.  I hope you are thirsty too.  Moreover, I hope that when you are thirsty and the fountains are dry, that you will know my secret canister of quench awaits you.  I can't tell you how many times I feel I write about this.  I feel like I have the same fight with Marcus.  I feel like I am on replay at work sometimes.  And I'm often troubled with the idea that maybe, just maybe our coats aren't necessarily unbreakable from the outside in, but our own inability to remold from the inside out.  All this to say...remold people...remold! 

Now here's a part of my life on replay that I don't mind having, or sharing for that matter.
Have I mentioned the love that is my Marcus?  This trip he made unsolicited by me mind you, is just a reminder that he is the best.  Sally, graduated, again, and I was he and the baby had a little mancation to the Big T, Tennessee that is.
Every pic we took was of lil bugga being a silly fool...Merry Christmas!
Got a great reference on where to see Santa this year, and we ain't never looking back folks.
Marcus has been lucky to have friends he has known since kindergarten.  I wish I were that lucky.  It's telling really, of what kind of man he is and what kind of a woman I am not.  We went to see Los Lonely Boys at the HOB, amazing!!!  They always rock it out, and I was stoked because I kept it a surprise until we were there.  We were also lucky enough to run into pals at one of our favorite bars after the concert.
Is it wrong to always celebrate with food?  I think not.  So we did that and had a white Christmas.  Honestly can't remember ever having one.
We went to the park.  And not just any park y'all.  A fancy one in the city.  It was our second time, but first as a family, and certainly not our last.  We also took the train.  And not just any train y'all.  A fancy one in the city.  OUR GREAT CITY of Dallas.  Who knew we could go as deep as tri-level?  I sure as hell didn't.