Monday, September 29, 2014

Will it, should it...

I was having this wierd feeling, like someone was watching me. And it happens often, mostly because the shadows of friends past are around me constantly, all the time. I don't get it, and I'm not sure I like it either. I had a friend, a good friend, one I thought would be around for the long haul, and well, let's just say that she isn't.  Turns out...she IS still around. She is in the faces of my new friends, and shows up in the actions of strangers. Makes me crazy, because my ploy to out of sight out of mind her can't be applied here when my brain is the culprit of my own live friends past feed. I have always believed that we aren't allowed to move past something, someone, some instance without taking with us the lesson that is to be learned. It will repeat itself over and over again until you take a solid moment and absorb it into your newly obtained blueprint for life. I have been trying to rebuild my friendships for a while, being okay with not getting the love back, yadayadayada. I've actually adopted a new way of thinking and honestly it's worked out great, or so I think. I mean, I feel like it's the only way that I can protect myself. I have vowed to only give away what I can afford to be without, with my friends and now recently, with my family. But what do you do when that conflicts terribly with your instinct to do the opposite? That is not who I am. I am not a partial lover. I love fulltime, all the time and to hold back for the sake of restructuring my insides, feels not natural. I need to find the means of architectural bliss and mesh that with what will not only build a killer frame, but also embellish my esthetics with flare that can only be adorned by those that claim to love me back. As I write this, I'm embarrassed to claim insecurity knowing that love is given and received in so many ways, and to seek it out in only the forms that I give it, is not only immature but wishful thinking for anyone who wants to sustain any type of relationship with me. I am very sensitive, overly emotional but carry with me the exterior of a bull fighter. That can be mistaken for many things. At times, eventhough I am a walking contradiction, knowing that this transparency can get me absolutely no where is much harder than acknowledging that where I am in this very moment is a result of my own actions. I will not make any excuses for the outcomes that were my past ventures. Not only do I believe that every woman has the power to navigate their own love life, but we also have the power to navigate the rest. We have no one to blame but ourselves for the predicaments we lie in.  I am responsible, and now this new found admittance will guide my new found framing and allow only those willing to assist in keeping it strong to walk along my side.
On another note, I got the best form of confirmation the other day. It was marvelous, it was bliss, it was mentally orgasmic. And I could not have scripted it better myself. Except that I did. In my mind, I willed it...and to fruition it came. That is all, how's that for vague?

Monday, September 1, 2014

evolution at it's worst...

I have never felt more validated in my life, passively validated, but validated nonetheless.  I will take it and run so far up the alley of redemption that neon lights will be my footprints...and for days, miles even, "I TOLD YOU SO" will live as residue all over those that opposed the evidence and didn't heed advice when it was presented in the obvious form.

Adan started kindergarten, Luca got himself born and we are officially a family of four.  I am no expert here, but it appears that my plate is full, and as much as I wanted to be busy in this fair form, having two children is much heavier than having just one.  I will brag a minute and say that Marcus and I taught Adan to be as independent as possible before Luca came so that we wouldn't be stretched too thin and we have been very successful in this attempt.  Yea us!

The struggle with girlfriends has made itself scarce lately, and I have felt so loved recently it makes me feel a bit unbelievable.  True friendships have migrated my way and my new family has been the reaper of such great gifts.  Since Luca has been born, we have had an uncountable number of people visit, bring gifts, feed us and love us, it has made me cry, literally.  I have never had friends like this before, and the overwhelming surge of love has given me whiplash. It has shown up, jolted my core and allowed me to see my worth as a person and to accept the love in the abundance it's been given.

I have been saying no to God lately, or deferring a response only worthy of a yes for an infinite time later.  I am ashamed at the thought of saying no to Him because what He can do when you respond with yes is life changing, world changing even.  Matthew West sings this song called, Do Something, and it answers the argument people have with God about how unfair this world is.  Like if God really existed, then why isn't He fixing all the problems we have in this world?  Truth is, I didn't need Matthew West to tell me otherwise, my bible has educated me on the simple response needed when contributing to the ailment of our world. But sometimes as I have mentioned before, music can give me a song jump only worthy of making it a reality.  And this song in particular shows up at His opportune time, not mine, and the time has come for me to say yes. 

It will start here.

In the meantime, for your my viewing pleasure of course, please enjoy these.

Luca's Baby Room.  Black and White was my official palette, but other accents made their way in and this was the bones. There are things in his room now, not pictured that have polished it off completely.  All in all, we love it and so does he.
You remember that commercial, "show me what's in your wallet", well this is sorta the same thing, except it is Luca's diaper bag.  I got this Louis as a push present when we had Adan, and used it as his diaper bag, officially it's called the Neverfull GM, and it truly is...NEVER FULL.  However with Adan, I just jam packed it with anything and everything without any true organization, and this time I was on the hunt for something that I could compartmentalize and pull out in it's entirety when I needed in. Number one requirement for me was something that I could separate and organize, and viola.