Monday, April 9, 2012

pull it off...

So many of the most overused phrases around have been formulating road blocks in my mind.  Those cliches that make the eye roll, the ones that make you gag a bit when you hear them have been buying up all kinds of stock in my brain.  My confidence is quite the curve ball.  It often depends on what mood I'm in, and who I am surrounded with.  Definitely not something that I care to admit, but a little to late to state any different.  To give somebody or some situation that much control over my questionable happiness is a trait I believe worthy of screaming about, the kind of scream that leaves not only your mouth, but wishfully your soul all the same.  I have been trying for sometime to be happy all by myself.  One way or another we are going to face the nemesis we like to call the alter, that ego we frequent when we don't want to reveal who we just might really be.  Do you ever live there, in those moments of turning emotionally into somebody else because it is easier to expel yourself and blame the raw organic existence on your alter ego?  I believe we visit this movement because it is more appealing to have a cattiness with self, than to actually face the present life experience.  Sometimes simplicity and generosity run purposefully close.  Happiness should grow on the back of intention, resolving our own improper use of guilt.  I'm not quite convinced this is a good thing.  I'm quite ambivalent actually, but resolve myself to the possibility of admitting there might be a cluster of unaware safety nets, in the wrong place, vengefully awaiting to absolve me from my own boobie trap of ridicule.  But sometimes deciding to face the choice you made is only the result of not having anything else to think about.

I was so afraid the other morning.  I was afraid that I would commit to the above in the wrong way.  I prayed that as I sat at church Easter morning, the guilt that I had would be appropriately lifted, by my intent to be happy for He had risen.  That when I bowed my head in prayer to my Heavenly Father, it would be out of my hearts simple wish to be close to His ever growing, over flowing generous existence. Remember my epiphany at church at the end of last year?  Well, I found an even better way to share it.  Remember my specific request for a teacher as a pastor?  Well, I found an even better way to share what I mean when I say that teaching a congregation is an enormous responsibility and should be done by vividly explaining the scripture.  You will have to spare a little bit of time to understand fully, but it was at the end of this sermon when I felt the Holy Spirit tell me "nothing has changed".  And it hasn't, nothing has changed, we are still a people patiently waiting, the only thing that is different is the amount of time that has passed.

It was around minute 31:53 where I "oh'd" audibly, and was like, "nothing has changed, we are still waiting for His return"

Our church had planned two very large egg hunts, however the weather did not allow, and the sweet wet church ladies had to go and pick up all the eggs they had hidden because it started to rain as the service was ending...I quickly snatched a bag and handed the eggs out to our family, and Adan went to each of us for an egg treat...oh yea, and with all the extra time, he gave us the grand tour of his school...he was so happy to be the leader we followed
He seems to accommodate me often, and I just snap as often has he allows

After we shoved our faces with food, we shoved some eggs over heads
...and then we shoved eggs in our baskets


Friday, April 6, 2012

i haven't a clue, so we'll just say...

Frustration that comes with stress is telling of how well a person can take on the ability to actually walk tall, stand strong and live well.  Did that make sense?  Every time "something" happens to me, I have this conversation with myself regarding my right to grief or if I am worthy of solice for that moment.  Taking everything you are taught as a kid, and applying it as an adult will actually work, if we can relinquish our supposed maturity.  We aren't really grown unless we can revert back to the basics of what living really is.  Remember when waking up in the morning and walking to the kitchen table for breakfast was easy?  When getting dressed was not a hassle but something that you looked forward to because you were given the opportunity to actually pick it out?  Nothing has changed.  The only evolving that has taken place in this world is the growth of our egos and the emancipation of our sincerity, that was once very alive, however now hibernating in the emptiness of our once innocence.  I don't know what is worse.  Actually I do, and you do too.  We can't keep guiding the light of self indulgence and basking in the shade of ignorance.  There is nothing bliss about it.  There is something magnificent in my sons eyes when he surrenders to disciple and recognizes that what he has done was wrong.  When he realizes that feeling inside is guilt and acknowledes that emotion as the opportunity for remorse and yearns for reconciliation.  Why do we lose that?  I want to live in those moments.  I want to know that when I look somebody in the eyes and give them a piece of who I really am, my reimbursement will come not because I expect it, but because they too have a desire to share.  That innate gesture we have to be "kid like" is our own psyche requesting an honorable mention.  Let's embrace regression, for it's where I believe we desire to be, and where conquering our best living resides.

No clever segway here, just a few time stoppers into our best living a few weeks ago.  Below is what we've been up to and a type of regression that we always welcome when Adan's involved.
I was d'verginized of this tradition
Waiting patiently and tolerating my "clicks"
Can't say enough
I wonder if, no, probably not 
About 3 months late, but we'll take a Christmas present from Aunt Paige anytime

My sister and brother in law are sick over their kids, and will do just about anything for them, not to mention host some of the funnest parties...lucky for them and lucky for us because we get to go!!!
Maka got Lazer'd away
Adan surrendered nothing but laughs and giggles
Noah got Bowl'ly with it (give 'em a break, it was an action shot)

My new job has given me so much, more than I can really be grateful for, and one of the most amazing gifts has been new friends.  And the good kind too.
Lisa = the frequent use of the "f" bomb
Jennifer = you may know her as Ludacris or JLew
Rachel = kin folk
Brooke = "it's Brookie Bitch"

I'm officially a grown up, at least that is what my mom says.  She couldn't believe that she was actually meeting me at our church to see my sons first school/PE program.  She was in hysterical laughter over it, and between you and I, me too.
He's an entire head taller than his classmates
See what I mean...I am so proud

When we went to Houston a few weeks ago, I was begging Paige to tag along, because it had been years since the four of us had been together, well...last night, we sort of got the chance...
We bluetooth'd Ally from Paige's car last night, is not funny to you, but it sure was to us

Today my Savior was crucified. 
Today was the day that He died for my sins. 
Today I will honor Him as I remember the love that He has for me still.