Tuesday, May 22, 2012

well, somebody had to say it...

Getting a taste of something so good and having the opportunity to relish in the flavor, remember the marination and reflect on the taste is a pretty awesome gift.  I have had a feeling of inadequacy lately regarding my abilities as a woman.  To be perfectly honest, the quo of what we are supposed to be and who we are fullfilled in becoming aren't synonymous in my thinking personally.  I can remember being a little girl and thinking about what it would be like to be older, but not really knowing what it meant.  I knew that when you grow up, you become responsible and so forth, but I just never thought that I was really capable of "feeling" it.  I have been exposed to this audible surrounding.  That surrounding at times echos loudly the opinions of who that woman should be.  Recently personal experiences have purchased a stake in my heart that twists and enters at just the right angle.  The love that I know I have in my life however, tends to plug up its ability to bleed, and for that I am grateful.  I am so lucky to be in the place that I am, married to a wonderful man and we have this amazing boy.  But I am faced with the question...of it being enough?  Is it enough to be married and to mother Adan?  The truth is, I always wanted to be married, I always wanted a boyfriend, I have always wanted love in the way that I have it now, but the mother part has been a struggle to adjust to.  For the past 3 years, motherhood has been a reality that is just now sincerely sinking in.  And the saity of motherhood tastes so good, that I'm often taken back to when I was pregnant, desiring it again.  Many of you don't know this, but my pregnancy wasn't a lullaby, I was nauseous all day every day, and vomited consistently for about 16 weeks straight, all day, NO LIE.  It was truly unbearable, but like most things worth waiting for, this wasn't any different and completely worth it.  I didn't really realize how invested women are in their futures when it comes to family planning, until I became one of them.  I often wonder if nature versus nurture not only applies, in my opinion of course, to sexual orientation or also to the many plagued life choices that women specifically are faced with.  When dropping Adan off at school, other mothers of kiddies his age are either pregnant or new mothers again, and my reflection in them is so inadequate that I'm left feeling dissatisfied.  That dissatisfaction is unrecognizable in it's origin though.  I know that there is a plan for my family, and even though I am not with child now, is my son enough?  If he was it for me, I think I would be okay, more than okay.  That feeling of doubt inside, the one I hold on to, I'm not quite sure it is birthed organically, and I'm not convinced that it solely belongs to me, but purchased at the buffet table of "what little girls should be when they grow up".  The taste in my mouth is yearning for second helpings, but I'm waiting for the ability to leave the table knowing that what I have may just have to be it.  I don't know about you, but these days I count my blessings because I know that they are all gifts and recognize that as easily as they are received, they may just as quickly vanish.  Three years ago on May 14th, my life changed forever, and celebrating his life is a reminder of just how purposed my life really is...just as it is.
Food...of which there was plenty
Sesame Street was the theme, did you guess?
I think I'm getting better every year...
Adan's guests...then ending the party with a birthday bonfire

We had so much fun, and I've mentioned before how lucky I feel to be with Adan every single day, and how lucky sometimes I'm not because I feel totally unavailable emotionally to him because I'm tired all the time, well...I made a promise to myself, that I would always make his birthdays special and do all the work, so he would know that momma made all the things he loves on his special day.  Again, my obvious helper is always Pinterest, duh, but specifically the idea was birthed here, and then this place was my staple for the pastries...the cupcakes and blow out candle cake. 

Monday, May 7, 2012

this small piece of information is always left out...

I'm pretty overdue, again, and didn't realize how much until I logged on and realized that it had been in the beginning of April since I had posted last.  I remember posting a while back that this blogging thing didn't need an official rule regarding what to post and when to post, however, my tune is changing, and I think it is time to dedicate a certain time to write, because if not then I will be so backed up it will cause me pains.  The kind of pains I'm experiencing now, physical pains, in my belly.  I have been trying to make poo poo for a week or so now, and although success is truly in the eye of the beholder, a form of the constipation has surfaced, but I feel a true turd brewing, and the anticipation is killing me.  I chugged a shot of prune juice this morning in hopes...of...but again, total let down.  Oh well, I musn't rush these things, I incessantly ask God to help me with patience, and maybe this is the climax of our private class time.

I have had a pretty busy month, relatively, I mean some peoples busy is another persons lazy, and let's face it, we all know how lazy I am, so basically I have been pretty mediocre this month.  With that said, after Easter, Marcus and I decided that mediocre regarding our finances isn't the way to live, any longer...emphasis on the any longer.  We both make way too much money to be living the way we do.  Our savings account should be 30 Gs deep, and let's just say that IT AIN'T.  Marcus handles our money, and he is spreadsheet happy, and has had our budget in check forever, but as most, we don't really follow it, and are swipe happy.  We decided to do "cash envelopes", in theory of course, because who has envelopes anymore?  I mean everything is electronic these days, sheesh.  Except for when we actually followed through on the plan, sweet Marcus put a clip around the remaining grocery money and looked at me all defeated, kinda like those puppies when they head nod stare at you.  Well, he looked at me and said, "sorry, I couldn't find any envelopes", lol, I was dying inside, he is too much.  Not so much because he was sweet enough to think we actually needed the envelopes to be OFFICIAL, or because he was looking forward to labeling each one "groceries", "gas", "extras", but because just as a dog owner would scratch those ears and caudal their pet in observation of the head nod, I too followed suit, except my pet was Marcus and it was more of a tush pinch, slap on the butt kinda thing, just sayn.  Truth it and behold it, right?  Testimony time.  No?  Just me?   Too bad, your gonna hear it anyways.  Marcus is handy, beyond handy, I'm not gonna bore you again with how so, but needless to say, he had someone give him a lawn mower a while back because it was broken, it was aesthetically new looking just not working.  He fixed it, like he does everything, and has been trying to sell it, about as aggressively as putting a sign on it and pushing it on the lawn...no, seriously.  And it hasn't.  About the only discipline that we have regarding money is our tythe.  It is the first check we write always, right off the bat, right off the top.  However again, discipline with the remaining is a joke, A BIG FAT UGLY OVERWEIGHT JOKE.  On that note, why do I always reference the fat?  Anyways, immediately after Easter, we planned on starting the cash envelopes, but didn't.  Two weeks later, we actually did, and we are just shy of completing the last few days of those two weeks.  Like most normal people, I hope, when you budget expenses you allow for "extras" like getting a flat, and having to buy a new tire, or a large ER copay, etc...  And we did, but went over, and had to shuffle our grocery money to make it, and we have enough left over and would have been fine, but the good Lord sometimes just needs to show up, and He did.  I got home from my moms this evening, and as I pulled up I saw that dang lawn mower sitting on the lawn.  I go in, take a shower and walk outside looking for my boys, and see them walking up, and I tell Marcus, "you know, if you really wanted to sell that, you should really think about putting it on Craigs List", and he agreed of course, because I'm always right.  Just kidding.  We come in, BBQ up some steaks and he walks in to get more of them from thawing out, taking extra long.  He walks out and says, "man, God is so good", and I'm all like, "duh".  He was taking so long because someone bought the lawn mower, and he was so happy.  As was I, because we were just discussing how we were cutting it close with the cash, and how we really didn't want to have to move anything into checking that we had already put into savings.  On that note, does anyone else pay themselves first?  The bigger lesson for me wasn't the fact that God provided in the clinch, or that when you give to God first (i.e.. tythe), He will always bless you, or that I had just spoken the Craigs List statement, and He was all "shoot, you don't need Craigs List, I am Craig"...it was more of the fact that even though we are always responsible with tything, we are not always responsible with the remaining money He gives us, and these two weeks we were, almost as if to say "hey, I gotcha, good job".  Take it as you want, read it and shrug it off, but I believe in the non cosmic, non coincidental, always purposeful, holy and ever present supplier that is my God.

My husband, working it
Overdue seems to be the theme these days, and this tree had it coming
Safety first, at least that's what Dora says
I was dying...simply dying
Paige is the best...can't get better friends than her
Three days later, and intense instruction following...viola
One mans face paint...
...is another girls birthday...
...and this boys chance to eat cake
DAI's first annual 3v3 bball
So Proud