The holidays are right around the corner and I in particular have them all jacked up. For the sake of this post, Halloween shall be bundled in. I haven't had a Halloween off in four years, present year included. I have always had Christmas Eve and Christmas off. Yup, not so much this year, and I sure as hell haven't had a New Years Eve off...this is how my year end will go...
Work Halloween Work Thanksgiving Off Christmas Eve Work Christmas Off New Years Eve Work New Years Day
The light at the end of my tunnel through the holiday season has always been the shiny green lining (the major bank I get for Holiday pay!!).
I started a new job. It's been so great and not so great all in the same. I left Parkland a while back, sucks really because the idea of that place is the reason I went to work there, however the way it is run, and the management in the unit I had in particular, is sitting so very near to the right hand of Satan, it's scary. Sometimes the intent people have is pure, however the delivery and manner in which it is given can over shadow and kill the purpose. Every nurse on that unit could have painted them a picture, acted out a scene, dressed in ultraviolet colors and tattooed the issues and potential resolutions on their dang foreheads, and their obligatory response shall we say would and always was..."our hands are tied." Welp, here is my hand tied...ever so securely around a much larger paycheck, more support and an environment that appreciates and advocates largely for the people that make the place run. Finely, to be on a winning team. Kinda nice. The not so great part is that I am new, and I'm still learning. Leaving a place that was cake and coming to a place that isn't, yet...is tough. But in 6 months, my view shall and will have changed.
Nearly 20 lbs or so ago, I was dreaming of the "damn", and on my way home today, I kinda got one. I use the word kinda because I wasn't quite sure if he was "damn'n" at me for my hottness, or because I just kinda sorta almost killed him with my swift driving skills, eek.
I really hate my next door neighbors, for many reasons. Hate, it is such a strong word, but man!!! Partly because the kids have a mom who sleeps all the time and ignores her kids, let's them run rampant...oh crap, kinda sounds like me. Well maybe not completely, but she drives me crazy, maybe because she is my virtual mirror. Bitch. (Ps. I don't sleep all the time, just kinda wish I could, am I alone in that?) I really gotta get this house done so we can move back to Dallas, I almost ran over one of those damn kids today...a little human bowling always makes for a fun evening.
Ok, so look it, I think I'm kind of a drama queen. I know I know, some of "you's" may already know that, however, I think I'm ready to accept it, finally. I will listen to music and literally jump into the song, I pretend I'm the jilted bride, the over the top in love man's girlfriend, the broken hearted lover, etc. I go as far as to make believe the part, I dive into character, you'd think I was auditioning or something, gaah...I'm all of the above, kinda embarrassing, however, I continue to do it. What does that mean? I remember dating Marcus, and fighting with him over dumb crap, you know the, "you don't love me...are we ever gonna get married...I'm not having sex with you anymore, it's wrong, we should wait till we get married, so, when are we getting married...if you don't change, I'm breaking up with you", just me? And then the climactic reconciliation after a day or so was like crack to the bare foot pregnant feener. It was such a glorious high for me to have "it" feel fresh and new again. I'm 31 years old and I still search for it that way, in more suttle ways of course...I've come to the conclusion that I'm a song jumper, and that is okay with me. Song jumping yields a better and safer high than marriage jumping.
In a quick rehash of the fair photos via my Canon AE1, I realized that Big Tex wears Dickies. He's so cool.
I really want to do something fantastic for New Years Eve. Something real grown up like. I would love to book a fancy dinner with friends, then head over to a fancy party, where I can check my coat, and I'm greeted with champagne. Then the waiter passing out hors d'oeuvres would compliment my gown, and whisper in my ear, "if I wasn't gay I would hit on you". You know, something pearl clenching worthy. ;-)
RiRi is here again, excited Ese'me Street is. You know, I have always tried pulling off a Yoda sentence, and I think I just did. And in an effort to not ruin my moment, I'm done for the night.
I remember going to weddings, quinceañeras, parties, etc...and my mom and dad both would just sit back and watch us girls. From time to time I would approach them and ask, "aren't yall bored?", and with assurance they both would say, "no, we have so much fun just sitting here watching you girls". Didn't get it then, but I sure do get it now. My son allowed me to experience fun in a whole new way and I want to receive it this way always.
I'm definetly not the type of woman that when discovering a good trick or a new and yummy product, shares. I've sorta always been that way. As a matter of fact, if someone compliments me on my perfume and asks what it is, I'll usually lie so they won't smell as good as me, mean I know, but I cant help it. I don't like telling my beauty secrets, not that there's many, but nonetheless, I've never liked sharing, never have. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am very self aware, but that isn't necessarily a good thing unless that awareness results in a change, and this here shall be my tiny contribution in that dreadful, yet anticipated and much needed change, no?
I am a lover of eye make-up, I'm known for the dark eyes, on many levels, and nude lip, just my thang. I'm also a firm believer in priming your face like a motha, so my face is straight for at least 12hrs. With that said it's always a pain to take off my make-up, honestly, I'll often times (more than I care to admit) sleep in it, forcing my pillow to carry the burden of buffering my chore in the morning, when the sink revels in the aftermath. Needless to say, I have found my new best friend, and this is my endorsement. My sidenote is, although this may be common knowledge to many, it is new to me, so suck it.
This is my space. This tiny 8.5 x 11 "sheet", and I guess depending on how much I got to say, it can definitely be larger, but I think you get the idea, is all mine. I get to fill it up as I choose.
I wasn't always a Christian. I was born of flesh, lived as flesh without knowing any different. I gave my life to the Lord when I was a little girl. I was at church with my family, and they excused the kids to children's church and I didn't want to go. So I stayed with my parents. They played a video and I watched it. At the end, they had what is commonly known as a time of invitation, and I nudged my mom and told her I wanted to go up to the front because I wanted to accept Jesus. Long story short, I did that evening and later committed to baptism. I chose to follow God out of fear because I didn't want to be left behind, like the video showed. I was scared and wanted to go with God. A lot of my life after that has been reliving that moment in my head. I actually at times doubted if the reasoning for my commitment was enough. What does a little girl know about God and His son Jesus? And do you know what kills me...what I most fondly remember?...the fear I felt. I don't remember the love, I don't remember the desire, the coming to Jesus moment everyone later speaks of, I don't remember that. I knew what choice I had made, I even remember being baptized when I was a little older. Could I really appreciate and totally understand what Jesus had done for me? Probably not. Now as an adult, and having been very lucky to grow in Gods word through the bible, I understand the love, I understand the desire that God wanted in marrying His existence with mine.
When you become a parent, your child has no clue what kind of sacrifices you would make for them, nothing will stop you from being supportive, loving, understanding and an unconditional support for them. Your child on the other hand has no clue what substantial amount of love there is for them, all they know is that someone is always there for them, providing for them and protecting them. It's that simple and that basic. The older they get, the more they begin to see and understand. That same growth in learning for my worldy parents I eventually had and understood is ultimately the same growth in learning that I have had for my Heavenly Father. That same promise He had for me as a little girl exists still, and is alive in me. Now as a grown up I understand that the fear I had in me wasn't the kind of fear where you're backed into a corner and forced to choose, or else, however the fear was rooted in the possibility that I could be forever without Him.
As I've mentioned before in other posts, I am a very, VERY picky when it comes to public speaking and especially when it comes to picking a church, I need a certain type of speaker behind the pulpit. Just a personal preference, and in case you're wondering my speaker of choice is expository. I never knew that it was called that, all I knew was that I really enjoy when a pastor preaches from the bible, chronologically and references present day to make it relateable. I am not a fan of, what I like to call "topic" preachers, those that pick a topic to preach about, then go and find versus in the bible to support it. If you are familiar with the word of God, there are many staple statements, popular to mention a few and many, infinite amounts really, that need the preface to see the picture and point in its entirety. Our generation, present company included of course, have become a breeding of casual Christians, and no true accountability exists within our pastors. The obligation to lead a church and its people is one to not be taken lightly and used as a never ending opportunity of teach. I think that is why I feel so strongly about their gift to have the attention of many and to take stories in its entirety and TEACH it chronologically. The bible is His commandments for us and it should be used as our only reference.
I called my dad last night because I couldn't remember for the life of me where this particular verse in the bible was, I remember being in Sunday school as a kid, and then even older and hearing this particular verse as well. I've even heard it preached from the pulpit. It is a common one at that, but I couldn't remember where it was and I can always count on my dad to know. I also just didn't want to put this verse out there and then not give a proper set up. It's the new testament, and Jesus is in the thick of it with His disciples. In this particular portion in this chapter the disciples are asking Jesus, who will rank highest when in heaven. You have to understand the foundation of who Christ is, He was sent to earth to teach and to be the ultimate salvation, in the time where he was immersed with His disciples they were extremely inquisitive and came into contact with situations that gave Jesus the perfect platform to inform them and teach them. This was one of those times. So they asked Him who will be the greatest in the kingdom of heaven,
And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, and said, "Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:2-4 NASB
I challenge you to read this to see what Jesus was truly saying. I have the New American Standard Version, but there are many to choose from, that however is what I like and in reading, it's easier for me to comprehend.
I was just telling my dad yesterday as we found it, him really, that in my search for it, I read over a few chapters in John thinking it was in there, and man, MAN...I forget how alive the bible becomes when I read it. I am one of those casual Christians that needs a kick in the face for taking advantage of what God has done for me, shame on me. I don't need to question my commitment made as a little girl. What I need to do, is truly be grateful that I accepted the simplicity of Gods love and remember that it was my innocence as a child that brought me to His lap.
This blog posting is about 12 hours late. For some reason it wasn't posting last night before I went to bed. So...you get the idea.
My little boy is to die for. We went to the Bishop Lynch football game tonight, aside from him loving football, he loves his JuJu...that is his older cousin, and he might as well hang the moon too. Here is a tiny video of this precious Friar fan in the stands.
I have been way past due for a blog update, and have so much to talk about. I may not cover everything now, however it will come out sooner than later.
I talked to God today, and this is what I told him, "God, thank You for always fulfilling Your promises, shame on us for expecting more, Your love is immeasurable. We are only human and stealthy in faults, thank you now, for revealing to us Your plan. Your patience and will, although ever consistent, always seems to be a variable for us. And knowing that, in spite of that, You continue to always provide. We thank you for giving a new life." All prayer is, is a conversation with God, and eventhough I do it often throughout the day, I still fall short of His unceasing desire. What I can say for certainty is, God is good all the time, all the time God is good.
Had a great dinner yesterday evening with three great friends. One of which is my bestie, Cindy. My other dear friend Jenni, who also happens to be Cindy's sister, and then there is little Debi. Deborah is a true gem, she got engaged and we are all so excited for them both. Jenni and I arrived at Victor Tangos for drinks and some appetizers, which by the way, if you haven't eaten there before, the ahi tuna nachos = amazing, anyways, we get there first and just get right into it. One topic in particular that we both tended to pay much attention to was motherhood. Basically, for about 2 and a half years now, um, I don't know, only since Adan was born or so, I have felt like a terrible mother. I mean, the type of mother that is again, just glazing. I reference SATC 2 here because I not only think it's fitting but almost perfectly aligned with what I have carried with me since my bugga boo was cut from my tummy. The scene where Miranda and Charlotte heart to heart it out regarding the difficulties of mothering struck such an emotional cord with me it burns. It is so heavy. I am a nurse, in case you don't know, I work nights, and yes, as amazing as this profession afforded me my child face to face time with his mommy all day everyday, it also afforded me fatigue and exhaustion. I am tired about 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It's pretty safe to say, that I'm only about 40% available to my kid. That really sucks. Why is it so hard for me, and so easy for Marcus? In the same place where this feeling of inadequacy lives, also resides jealousy and envy. Let me elaborate. My husband, as I've mentioned before always saves the day. Adan only wants Marcus now, and it is the biggest upset since Tony Romo's last game...no wait...the one before that...no wait, um, it's only as big an upset as his career, yea, that's more like it. Adan has officially grasped the difference between quality versus quantity. Many a day before, since he was born really, all he saw was me. When he was hungry, bam, it was my boob, thus my face he saw...when he was dirty, bam, it was me that changed it because I was there in the day, and it was my face that he saw, etc...So when he was upset, or desired a parent, I was the one winning. Made me so happy, not even thinking of how it might have made my mate feel. My, have those tables turned. Now that he is older he could care less that I am around more, what he cares about is the quality of time we spend together and I'm not gonna lie, I pretty much suck at it. Marcus on the other hand is my saviour and pretty much my son's shiny star. He gets home from work, can manage to put a load of laundry in, start dinner, play with Adan, love me and not even break a sweat. I on the other hand, can't even sweep the floor if Adan is around, much less surface enough energy to drive him to the park, especially if I worked the night before. He has learned who loves him best, and right now it's Daddy. Pretty depressed about it, and that of course just accumulates onto the already existing guilt. I am not the mother I thought I would be, and it is ripping me apart.
I am pissed right now, fortunately for me, I have other issues too, lucky me. I have let my ass get hella large, literally. The kinda ass that warrants a "damn!" The kind of damn that precedes an "oh my God", with an accompanying shake of the head. I however, have started in the path to warrant a "damn!" The kind of damn that precedes an "oh my God", and a half bite of the lower lip with a lil eye squinting. In case you are wondering, that's the good kind. 14.5lbs and counting baby.
I have so much more to say and my fingers hurt, but Marcus is all "damn!" The kind of damn that precedes an "oh my God", with the "are you blogging look?" In case you are wondering, that's the bad kind. As in, "get off the phone, it is time to spoon." And since I am a lover of all things food related. I'm out.