a step in the right direction...

I'm definetly not the type of woman that when discovering a good trick or a new and yummy product, shares. I've sorta always been that way. As a matter of fact, if someone compliments me on my perfume and asks what it is, I'll usually lie so they won't smell as good as me, mean I know, but I cant help it. I don't like telling my beauty secrets, not that there's many, but nonetheless, I've never liked sharing, never have. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am very self aware, but that isn't necessarily a good thing unless that awareness results in a change, and this here shall be my tiny contribution in that dreadful, yet anticipated and much needed change, no?

I am a lover of eye make-up, I'm known for the dark eyes, on many levels, and nude lip, just my thang. I'm also a firm believer in priming your face like a motha, so my face is straight for at least 12hrs. With that said it's always a pain to take off my make-up, honestly, I'll often times (more than I care to admit) sleep in it, forcing my pillow to carry the burden of buffering my chore in the morning, when the sink revels in the aftermath. Needless to say, I have found my new best friend, and this is my endorsement. My sidenote is, although this may be common knowledge to many, it is new to me, so suck it.

Before...

After...

Que Celine Dion's "Because of you..."

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time can be your friend...

This is my space. This tiny 8.5 x 11 "sheet", and I guess depending on how much I got to say, it can definitely be larger, but I think you get the idea, is all mine. I get to fill it up as I choose.

I wasn't always a Christian. I was born of flesh, lived as flesh without knowing any different. I gave my life to the Lord when I was a little girl. I was at church with my family, and they excused the kids to children's church and I didn't want to go. So I stayed with my parents. They played a video and I watched it. At the end, they had what is commonly known as a time of invitation, and I nudged my mom and told her I wanted to go up to the front because I wanted to accept Jesus. Long story short, I did that evening and later committed to baptism. I chose to follow God out of fear because I didn't want to be left behind, like the video showed. I was scared and wanted to go with God. A lot of my life after that has been reliving that moment in my head. I actually at times doubted if the reasoning for my commitment was enough. What does a little girl know about God and His son Jesus? And do you know what kills me...what I most fondly remember?...the fear I felt. I don't remember the love, I don't remember the desire, the coming to Jesus moment everyone later speaks of, I don't remember that. I knew what choice I had made, I even remember being baptized when I was a little older. Could I really appreciate and totally understand what Jesus had done for me? Probably not. Now as an adult, and having been very lucky to grow in Gods word through the bible, I understand the love, I understand the desire that God wanted in marrying His existence with mine.

When you become a parent, your child has no clue what kind of sacrifices you would make for them, nothing will stop you from being supportive, loving, understanding and an unconditional support for them. Your child on the other hand has no clue what substantial amount of love there is for them, all they know is that someone is always there for them, providing for them and protecting them. It's that simple and that basic. The older they get, the more they begin to see and understand. That same growth in learning for my worldy parents I eventually had and understood is ultimately the same growth in learning that I have had for my Heavenly Father. That same promise He had for me as a little girl exists still, and is alive in me. Now as a grown up I understand that the fear I had in me wasn't the kind of fear where you're backed into a corner and forced to choose, or else, however the fear was rooted in the possibility that I could be forever without Him.

As I've mentioned before in other posts, I am a very, VERY picky when it comes to public speaking and especially when it comes to picking a church, I need a certain type of speaker behind the pulpit. Just a personal preference, and in case you're wondering my speaker of choice is expository. I never knew that it was called that, all I knew was that I really enjoy when a pastor preaches from the bible, chronologically and references present day to make it relateable. I am not a fan of, what I like to call "topic" preachers, those that pick a topic to preach about, then go and find versus in the bible to support it. If you are familiar with the word of God, there are many staple statements, popular to mention a few and many, infinite amounts really, that need the preface to see the picture and point in its entirety. Our generation, present company included of course, have become a breeding of casual Christians, and no true accountability exists within our pastors. The obligation to lead a church and its people is one to not be taken lightly and used as a never ending opportunity of teach. I think that is why I feel so strongly about their gift to have the attention of many and to take stories in its entirety and TEACH it chronologically. The bible is His commandments for us and it should be used as our only reference.

I called my dad last night because I couldn't remember for the life of me where this particular verse in the bible was, I remember being in Sunday school as a kid, and then even older and hearing this particular verse as well. I've even heard it preached from the pulpit. It is a common one at that, but I couldn't remember where it was and I can always count on my dad to know. I also just didn't want to put this verse out there and then not give a proper set up. It's the new testament, and Jesus is in the thick of it with His disciples. In this particular portion in this chapter the disciples are asking Jesus, who will rank highest when in heaven. You have to understand the foundation of who Christ is, He was sent to earth to teach and to be the ultimate salvation, in the time where he was immersed with His disciples they were extremely inquisitive and came into contact with situations that gave Jesus the perfect platform to inform them and teach them. This was one of those times. So they asked Him who will be the greatest in the kingdom of heaven,

And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, and said, "Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."
Matthew 18:2-4 NASB

I challenge you to read this to see what Jesus was truly saying. I have the New American Standard Version, but there are many to choose from, that however is what I like and in reading, it's easier for me to comprehend.

I was just telling my dad yesterday as we found it, him really, that in my search for it, I read over a few chapters in John thinking it was in there, and man, MAN...I forget how alive the bible becomes when I read it. I am one of those casual Christians that needs a kick in the face for taking advantage of what God has done for me, shame on me. I don't need to question my commitment made as a little girl. What I need to do, is truly be grateful that I accepted the simplicity of Gods love and remember that it was my innocence as a child that brought me to His lap.

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it was only a matter of time...

This blog posting is about 12 hours late. For some reason it wasn't posting last night before I went to bed. So...you get the idea.

My little boy is to die for. We went to the Bishop Lynch football game tonight, aside from him loving football, he loves his JuJu...that is his older cousin, and he might as well hang the moon too. Here is a tiny video of this precious Friar fan in the stands.

I have been way past due for a blog update, and have so much to talk about. I may not cover everything now, however it will come out sooner than later.

I talked to God today, and this is what I told him, "God, thank You for always fulfilling Your promises, shame on us for expecting more, Your love is immeasurable. We are only human and stealthy in faults, thank you now, for revealing to us Your plan. Your patience and will, although ever consistent, always seems to be a variable for us. And knowing that, in spite of that, You continue to always provide. We thank you for giving a new life." All prayer is, is a conversation with God, and eventhough I do it often throughout the day, I still fall short of His unceasing desire. What I can say for certainty is, God is good all the time, all the time God is good.

Had a great dinner yesterday evening with three great friends. One of which is my bestie, Cindy. My other dear friend Jenni, who also happens to be Cindy's sister, and then there is little Debi. Deborah is a true gem, she got engaged and we are all so excited for them both. Jenni and I arrived at Victor Tangos for drinks and some appetizers, which by the way, if you haven't eaten there before, the ahi tuna nachos = amazing, anyways, we get there first and just get right into it. One topic in particular that we both tended to pay much attention to was motherhood. Basically, for about 2 and a half years now, um, I don't know, only since Adan was born or so, I have felt like a terrible mother. I mean, the type of mother that is again, just glazing. I reference SATC 2 here because I not only think it's fitting but almost perfectly aligned with what I have carried with me since my bugga boo was cut from my tummy. The scene where Miranda and Charlotte heart to heart it out regarding the difficulties of mothering struck such an emotional cord with me it burns. It is so heavy. I am a nurse, in case you don't know, I work nights, and yes, as amazing as this profession afforded me my child face to face time with his mommy all day everyday, it also afforded me fatigue and exhaustion. I am tired about 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It's pretty safe to say, that I'm only about 40% available to my kid. That really sucks. Why is it so hard for me, and so easy for Marcus? In the same place where this feeling of inadequacy lives, also resides jealousy and envy. Let me elaborate. My husband, as I've mentioned before always saves the day. Adan only wants Marcus now, and it is the biggest upset since Tony Romo's last game...no wait...the one before that...no wait, um, it's only as big an upset as his career, yea, that's more like it. Adan has officially grasped the difference between quality versus quantity. Many a day before, since he was born really, all he saw was me. When he was hungry, bam, it was my boob, thus my face he saw...when he was dirty, bam, it was me that changed it because I was there in the day, and it was my face that he saw, etc...So when he was upset, or desired a parent, I was the one winning. Made me so happy, not even thinking of how it might have made my mate feel. My, have those tables turned. Now that he is older he could care less that I am around more, what he cares about is the quality of time we spend together and I'm not gonna lie, I pretty much suck at it. Marcus on the other hand is my saviour and pretty much my son's shiny star. He gets home from work, can manage to put a load of laundry in, start dinner, play with Adan, love me and not even break a sweat. I on the other hand, can't even sweep the floor if Adan is around, much less surface enough energy to drive him to the park, especially if I worked the night before. He has learned who loves him best, and right now it's Daddy. Pretty depressed about it, and that of course just accumulates onto the already existing guilt. I am not the mother I thought I would be, and it is ripping me apart.

I am pissed right now, fortunately for me, I have other issues too, lucky me. I have let my ass get hella large, literally. The kinda ass that warrants a "damn!" The kind of damn that precedes an "oh my God", with an accompanying shake of the head. I however, have started in the path to warrant a "damn!" The kind of damn that precedes an "oh my God", and a half bite of the lower lip with a lil eye squinting. In case you are wondering, that's the good kind. 14.5lbs and counting baby.

I have so much more to say and my fingers hurt, but Marcus is all "damn!" The kind of damn that precedes an "oh my God", with the "are you blogging look?" In case you are wondering, that's the bad kind. As in, "get off the phone, it is time to spoon." And since I am a lover of all things food related. I'm out.

Until next time.

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the beginning...

...Waking up in the middle of the night, it was hot, she was wet and she was nine. How was she supposed to know that the lady smooshed up next to her all night, wasn't supposed to pee on her? How was she supposed to know that when she cried in the middle of the night because it was dark and crowded, that there was a bed somewhere someday waiting for her? How was she supposed to know that running as fast as you could because "la migra" was coming, was not the normal for a young girl who had never even seen the inside of a book? How was she supposed to know that crossing the river every night to work, would later serve as a catalyst, pioneering the crossing of all her kin?

My grandparents had just moved north and money was scarce, but word had traveled that there was money to be made just across the river. She was nine years old, the oldest of three kids and she was a cotton picker. Her white nap sack itched, it was heavy and it was her conduit to survive. She filled that sack with cotton day after day, and night after night, she slept outside, risking her life for change...

That is just a sample of my book for my momma. I am so lucky to have an indigenous culture within me, even more fortunate to have the ability to search for its beginning. Her beginning is my beginning, my beginning will belong to my kids, and their kids...we all have a beginning that we hope will one day be told as an example of our greatness and our accomplishments. I hope that the life that I have created for myself is satisfactory and worth the struggle my momma made in coming to América.

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the pleasure has been all mine...

Tío RiRi came in town from London and we are very happy he's here. Adan just loves him so much. They always have such a great time together. Ever since Marcus fashioned a baby blanket into a cape, Adan thinks he is superman. And Tío RiRi will always join in on the fun...no matter what it is.

Work, it just gets in the way sometimes, but sometimes it can be super fun. Like when you run into an old friend from college in a defects lecture, and then quickly realize that he will be your co-worker. I am so excited.

I started my DVR sessions with my mom, in case I haven't mentioned it, I am writing a book about her. I haven't really decided what the foundation will be, but I know she has an incredible story to tell and I am one eager audience ready to listen.

Adan has officially hit the ground running with this preschool thing. He is really having a good time. But I can't help but feel like I'm kinda in school too. We had parent's night before it started and I was sitting there nervous, wondering if any parent would want to get to know me at all, or if I would leave this semester with new friends too. I'm such a loser.

I got to see my dear, sweet and loving, best girlfriend in all the land yesterday. It has been way too long. The sad part is, as we left dinner and a bit of girl shopping and headed back to her house, we both pulled out our date books/phones, and attempted to coordinate another time for us to chat...and we came up with nothing for like a month or so. Sad huh? Damn that work, getting in the way again. I love you Cindy, I'm calling Ms. Johnson, and IT WILL GET DONE!!!

Ps...look what I bought for New Years...

Gotta go now, Adan has fallen asleep and I must nap too...again, work, getting in the way...duty calls tonight.

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been pretty amazing...

So I started working nights again, and can I just say...yay!!! Man, have I missed that schedule. It's the only schedule that afforded me every single day of Adan's life to be forever shared with just his momma and dada. I have been very lucky in choosing this profession. Many of those reasons are...

I only work 12 days a month

I have gotten to raise my precious angel and see him every single day

If I get bored, guess what? I have the biggest opportunity to do whatever else and still be a nurse

Oh yea, and did I mention I only work 12 days a month???

Marcus and I want to extend our family, and we almost did, but miscarried a bit ago. Now that I think my womb has sufficiently healed and my heart is sufficiently ready to potentially carry the emotional ride that is being pregnant with a toddler, IT IS TIME! I mean, I am marking calendar ovu time and everything. I'm trying to figure out if that is gonna be a good idea or if we should just let momma nature handle it. Whatever the case may be we are ready for another child and hope that it happens soon. Happy sex to us.

On another note, we went to the Ranger game today and had a wonderful time. My family makes me the happiest girl

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Just a piece of my heart...

This lil boy started Preschool at Fielder Rd. BC yesterday

This lil boy didn't even cry when he said goodbye

This lil boy cried when we went to pick him up

This lil boy is growing up way too fast

 

Remember when I said that I feel like I'm just glazing?

Remember when I said that I didn't know if I was doing it right?

His face, his heart, his everything solidifies the only thing that is absolutely, unequivocally correct and in order in my life!

Dear Adan,

I have never in my life imagined a more precious life. I never in my life imagined that it could get as good as it is when we are together. You are the most enjoyable piece of sugar to my heart. Mommy was never the same after she met you. I hope you know that the past two years of your life, the last two years of my life, have been the best two years of my life. Thank you for letting me be your mommy.

Love you more than you will ever know,

Mom