it was only a matter of time...

This blog posting is about 12 hours late. For some reason it wasn't posting last night before I went to bed. So...you get the idea.

My little boy is to die for. We went to the Bishop Lynch football game tonight, aside from him loving football, he loves his JuJu...that is his older cousin, and he might as well hang the moon too. Here is a tiny video of this precious Friar fan in the stands.

I have been way past due for a blog update, and have so much to talk about. I may not cover everything now, however it will come out sooner than later.

I talked to God today, and this is what I told him, "God, thank You for always fulfilling Your promises, shame on us for expecting more, Your love is immeasurable. We are only human and stealthy in faults, thank you now, for revealing to us Your plan. Your patience and will, although ever consistent, always seems to be a variable for us. And knowing that, in spite of that, You continue to always provide. We thank you for giving a new life." All prayer is, is a conversation with God, and eventhough I do it often throughout the day, I still fall short of His unceasing desire. What I can say for certainty is, God is good all the time, all the time God is good.

Had a great dinner yesterday evening with three great friends. One of which is my bestie, Cindy. My other dear friend Jenni, who also happens to be Cindy's sister, and then there is little Debi. Deborah is a true gem, she got engaged and we are all so excited for them both. Jenni and I arrived at Victor Tangos for drinks and some appetizers, which by the way, if you haven't eaten there before, the ahi tuna nachos = amazing, anyways, we get there first and just get right into it. One topic in particular that we both tended to pay much attention to was motherhood. Basically, for about 2 and a half years now, um, I don't know, only since Adan was born or so, I have felt like a terrible mother. I mean, the type of mother that is again, just glazing. I reference SATC 2 here because I not only think it's fitting but almost perfectly aligned with what I have carried with me since my bugga boo was cut from my tummy. The scene where Miranda and Charlotte heart to heart it out regarding the difficulties of mothering struck such an emotional cord with me it burns. It is so heavy. I am a nurse, in case you don't know, I work nights, and yes, as amazing as this profession afforded me my child face to face time with his mommy all day everyday, it also afforded me fatigue and exhaustion. I am tired about 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It's pretty safe to say, that I'm only about 40% available to my kid. That really sucks. Why is it so hard for me, and so easy for Marcus? In the same place where this feeling of inadequacy lives, also resides jealousy and envy. Let me elaborate. My husband, as I've mentioned before always saves the day. Adan only wants Marcus now, and it is the biggest upset since Tony Romo's last game...no wait...the one before that...no wait, um, it's only as big an upset as his career, yea, that's more like it. Adan has officially grasped the difference between quality versus quantity. Many a day before, since he was born really, all he saw was me. When he was hungry, bam, it was my boob, thus my face he saw...when he was dirty, bam, it was me that changed it because I was there in the day, and it was my face that he saw, etc...So when he was upset, or desired a parent, I was the one winning. Made me so happy, not even thinking of how it might have made my mate feel. My, have those tables turned. Now that he is older he could care less that I am around more, what he cares about is the quality of time we spend together and I'm not gonna lie, I pretty much suck at it. Marcus on the other hand is my saviour and pretty much my son's shiny star. He gets home from work, can manage to put a load of laundry in, start dinner, play with Adan, love me and not even break a sweat. I on the other hand, can't even sweep the floor if Adan is around, much less surface enough energy to drive him to the park, especially if I worked the night before. He has learned who loves him best, and right now it's Daddy. Pretty depressed about it, and that of course just accumulates onto the already existing guilt. I am not the mother I thought I would be, and it is ripping me apart.

I am pissed right now, fortunately for me, I have other issues too, lucky me. I have let my ass get hella large, literally. The kinda ass that warrants a "damn!" The kind of damn that precedes an "oh my God", with an accompanying shake of the head. I however, have started in the path to warrant a "damn!" The kind of damn that precedes an "oh my God", and a half bite of the lower lip with a lil eye squinting. In case you are wondering, that's the good kind. 14.5lbs and counting baby.

I have so much more to say and my fingers hurt, but Marcus is all "damn!" The kind of damn that precedes an "oh my God", with the "are you blogging look?" In case you are wondering, that's the bad kind. As in, "get off the phone, it is time to spoon." And since I am a lover of all things food related. I'm out.

Until next time.

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the beginning...

...Waking up in the middle of the night, it was hot, she was wet and she was nine. How was she supposed to know that the lady smooshed up next to her all night, wasn't supposed to pee on her? How was she supposed to know that when she cried in the middle of the night because it was dark and crowded, that there was a bed somewhere someday waiting for her? How was she supposed to know that running as fast as you could because "la migra" was coming, was not the normal for a young girl who had never even seen the inside of a book? How was she supposed to know that crossing the river every night to work, would later serve as a catalyst, pioneering the crossing of all her kin?

My grandparents had just moved north and money was scarce, but word had traveled that there was money to be made just across the river. She was nine years old, the oldest of three kids and she was a cotton picker. Her white nap sack itched, it was heavy and it was her conduit to survive. She filled that sack with cotton day after day, and night after night, she slept outside, risking her life for change...

That is just a sample of my book for my momma. I am so lucky to have an indigenous culture within me, even more fortunate to have the ability to search for its beginning. Her beginning is my beginning, my beginning will belong to my kids, and their kids...we all have a beginning that we hope will one day be told as an example of our greatness and our accomplishments. I hope that the life that I have created for myself is satisfactory and worth the struggle my momma made in coming to América.

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the pleasure has been all mine...

Tío RiRi came in town from London and we are very happy he's here. Adan just loves him so much. They always have such a great time together. Ever since Marcus fashioned a baby blanket into a cape, Adan thinks he is superman. And Tío RiRi will always join in on the fun...no matter what it is.

Work, it just gets in the way sometimes, but sometimes it can be super fun. Like when you run into an old friend from college in a defects lecture, and then quickly realize that he will be your co-worker. I am so excited.

I started my DVR sessions with my mom, in case I haven't mentioned it, I am writing a book about her. I haven't really decided what the foundation will be, but I know she has an incredible story to tell and I am one eager audience ready to listen.

Adan has officially hit the ground running with this preschool thing. He is really having a good time. But I can't help but feel like I'm kinda in school too. We had parent's night before it started and I was sitting there nervous, wondering if any parent would want to get to know me at all, or if I would leave this semester with new friends too. I'm such a loser.

I got to see my dear, sweet and loving, best girlfriend in all the land yesterday. It has been way too long. The sad part is, as we left dinner and a bit of girl shopping and headed back to her house, we both pulled out our date books/phones, and attempted to coordinate another time for us to chat...and we came up with nothing for like a month or so. Sad huh? Damn that work, getting in the way again. I love you Cindy, I'm calling Ms. Johnson, and IT WILL GET DONE!!!

Ps...look what I bought for New Years...

Gotta go now, Adan has fallen asleep and I must nap too...again, work, getting in the way...duty calls tonight.

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been pretty amazing...

So I started working nights again, and can I just say...yay!!! Man, have I missed that schedule. It's the only schedule that afforded me every single day of Adan's life to be forever shared with just his momma and dada. I have been very lucky in choosing this profession. Many of those reasons are...

I only work 12 days a month

I have gotten to raise my precious angel and see him every single day

If I get bored, guess what? I have the biggest opportunity to do whatever else and still be a nurse

Oh yea, and did I mention I only work 12 days a month???

Marcus and I want to extend our family, and we almost did, but miscarried a bit ago. Now that I think my womb has sufficiently healed and my heart is sufficiently ready to potentially carry the emotional ride that is being pregnant with a toddler, IT IS TIME! I mean, I am marking calendar ovu time and everything. I'm trying to figure out if that is gonna be a good idea or if we should just let momma nature handle it. Whatever the case may be we are ready for another child and hope that it happens soon. Happy sex to us.

On another note, we went to the Ranger game today and had a wonderful time. My family makes me the happiest girl

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Just a piece of my heart...

This lil boy started Preschool at Fielder Rd. BC yesterday

This lil boy didn't even cry when he said goodbye

This lil boy cried when we went to pick him up

This lil boy is growing up way too fast

 

Remember when I said that I feel like I'm just glazing?

Remember when I said that I didn't know if I was doing it right?

His face, his heart, his everything solidifies the only thing that is absolutely, unequivocally correct and in order in my life!

Dear Adan,

I have never in my life imagined a more precious life. I never in my life imagined that it could get as good as it is when we are together. You are the most enjoyable piece of sugar to my heart. Mommy was never the same after she met you. I hope you know that the past two years of your life, the last two years of my life, have been the best two years of my life. Thank you for letting me be your mommy.

Love you more than you will ever know,

Mom

it is what it is...

I haven't decided how this whole blogging thing works, or if there really is a rule for that matter. Sometimes when I'm trying to decide what to write, I literally have a conversation with myself in my head. I tell myself about the struggle to decide and tell myself how I don't think I'm doing it right. And then me tells me that in order for your blog to be successful it must be consistent regarding all things readable. I must make sure to blog on the same day, and the topic should overlap somehow and ride the same theme. And then I stop my know it all self and say, shut up, you don't know shit, I'll write about what I want and when I want and so that is what this is.

I really hate my popcorn ceilings.

I have surrendered myself to the truth that is...no, God did not make me this way...the TRUTH is, the glorious body He gave me has disappeared and some fat chick is boss now, as a direct result of negligent "templing" (as I like to call it when referencing my direct avoidance in dishonoring my temple and pure obsession with gluttony).

My engagement ring is broken, I'm really sad about it too, sometimes I'll look at it and think about, "what if Marcus had never given this to me?", and then I'm quickly reminded that we dated for 5 years, and nearly strangled him to the idea that marriage was next. And if he hadn't handed that sucker over, I would have surely handed him my foot in his face. Or something less suttle. Just sayn.

My husband is out with his buds tonight, and the older I get the less I care. I was never the jealous type. Look, it is a true emotion we all have, however, the wife or girlfriend that gets or shall I say, acts jealous, has never been me. And I notice now, its even less of a bother, mentally.

I want another baby.

I am a member of Pinterest, and suck at it.

My little boy got a real bed today, and I can't believe I glazed over it like it wasn't a big deal. It's a huge deal, sometimes I feel like I am just glazing. Am I doing this right? Yes, I breastfed for a year, yes my son was potty trained at 21 months, yes, he sleeps in his own bed, and always has, etc...but the other stuff, the non tasking mother stuff, am I doing it right? My little boy amazes me everyday and sometimes I feel like his accomplishments are the, my, expectation and not a milestone where true, honest and loving acknowledgment is due. I gotta get it together.

I miss soccer so much. I have never been able to watch it on tv and really enjoy it. If I can't play it, I don't want any part of it. Stupid I know.

I really got to get over the thinking that I'm the only one that knows how to do it right. My inability to allow others to help me is just plain sad.

Cooking, I mean seriously. Really? Why must I be so bad at it, and secondly, why must it be such a necessity?

I tell people that my mom used to tell me that a little man lived in my ear and when I would fall asleep he would come out, walk to the inner part of my eye and poop there, when asking about eye boogers. As if my mother was creative enough to come up with that...why? Why, lie about that? I'm pathetic.

I blog from my phone only.

Mi vida es totalmente todo lo que mis sueños presentaban. Y todo se lo regalo a Cristo. (Get'cher translating on...)

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how much is enough...

My husband is back in town. Marcus was gone for 2 whole weeks. For those of you that don't know, my husband is in the airline industry and he travels about 2 to 3 times out of the year, and when he does it's overseas. This time it was Germany and Austria. Having him away means many things.

1. Adan discovers how much cooler and funner his daddy is than his mommy.

2. I quickly realize all those silly fights we have as parents, spouses, etc...are quiet the funny joke on me really, because the truth is, I can't do it alone and yea, I would miss him. Love u babe.

3. My parents are true saviors. They would do anything for their family, including putting up with an overbearing daughter and her super ooober cute kid.

4. House work, outside the home, really does belong to my mate.

5. Sex is kinda lonely when it's a party for one, love making is truly meant to be between two.

6. Always, always hoping that a little brown bag would be escorting my lover on the plane ride home.

7. Trading off the warmth of his toosh when we sleep for killer miles...thank you bizzyness class. Hola.

8. Awaiting the inevitable arguement we'll have before he leaves...like clock work...every time.

9. The smell, THE SMELL. Let me all just inform you of a little something I like to call..."um, excuse me, but my man never smells", (as in bad)...I'm about to totally cross the line here, but I feel it's justified, besides my only two followers are girls, and there's only two of you..he NEVER smells, never! I have been with him for almost ten years and have been with him, you know what I'm saying...NEVER, even when he's been in his man place mentally or physically, never. The only thing my baby has piercing through his juicy pores, is lush. He is so Yummy...and I'm reminded every time he leaves.

10. The burden is on me. My husband, Marcus Sais, I love you so much. You have provided me a place to live out my dreams, a place where I can be me, a place where I don't have to worry about what anyone thinks because our family is what matters and you have created a safe place for your big and little baby to nest. When you are not with us, our lives are empty, you make our life so much fun, and you make me feel like the responsibility of our life is shared when you truly carry it alone. You protect us, and when you are away, I am alone with that and become aware of how wonderful you are at making us feel safe.

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