of the essence...

We all piled into the car, as if this drive was anything new. The commute came and went, my hearts heavy beats had absolutely no control to lapse the short hand backwards in time. My wifely, supportive duties were yearning for hibernation. The part of me that is supposed to support and encourage, doesn't always willingly participate when it is summoned, especially when it involves having to say goodbye. He was leaving us. He was going on a plane, far away, and he was leaving us. I get out of the car to meet his embrace, and I do not want to let go. I never cry when he leaves, but this time was different. I couldn't hold back the tears, and my gates opened. There on the sidewalk of the terminal, I let the concrete have it, as it took my drained heart and absorbed any strength I had to hold it together. And as I made my way back into the car, I could see that Adan was still sleeping. Waking him was going to be the beginning of a sorrow we all hate to acknowledge. As Marcus leaned in to scoop him up, the weight of a sleeping 6 year old became too much to carry, and they both held each other as if all the time they had spent together up until now was bottled into this moment, and never to reemerge. I hate to see Adan cry, especially at the expense of sadness. As he puts Adan back down in his seat, I see him glance over at Luca. It was copious, it was obvious, and it was bearing down on his heart and glaringly visible on his face as he began to unbuckle the car seat. Marcus rarely cries, so when I see him breakdown because he will miss his children, it reminds me of the kind of man he is. He is the most present man I know, and I cannot for the life of me seem to wrap my mind around not having him around. I know that these trips he takes are just temporary, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to you all, that in his absence I am weak. I always envision my/our life without him, while he is away. I attempt to navigate life here, with our sons, imagining what it would truly be like if he never came back. It is horrible. It is unimaginable yet a lingering living thought that wanders inside a place that deserves hollowness, yet I manage to give it plenty of layering, mental depth. He is aware and observant, when I think I'm paying attention. He is smart and witty, when I think I have had the last word. He is playful and energetic, when I think I have mastered the game. He is gentle and sexy, when I think I have approached with ease. And I miss him. His children miss him. He left us on Father's Day, and we will receive him on Father's Day, because everyday should be a celebration of the time we have together. Perth and Brisbane will have him for a week, and we will gladly receive him for the rest.

Time and Love. Two of my favorite things. When you have both, you have it all. The Horkey's are a special family who have been given both. Acknowledging that these are gifts from God, make them even sweeter. I was asked to come to their house to snap some pics as they hung around their house. And these are a few of my faves.

London

aka Londy

Jude

aka (still working on it)

Chelsea, London and Jude

Love has no end!

the fade...

I called him hoping he'd be on his way, and lucky for us, he already was. I could hear the muffle of traffic in the background, attempting so hard to be the drown of the lengthy commute and distract me from the joy that is his arrival. As I shuffled on the floor with Luca, Adan pounces the idea of freedom in the air, as he reminds me that he is almost done with kindergarten. And just like that, my internal calm is awakened with the conflicting anxiety that lives dormant within me unless referencing the impending growth that is my children. I'm fine, I'll be fine...and just like that, Marcus walks into the house. He navigates the room with his eyes, and Luca takes off as if the last 9 hours we have spent together meant nothing. His arrival has ulterior motives, and shares those with our oldest as the invitation for a haircut is exchanged. So they take off, leaving behind the bean and I. As evening approaches, and bedtime arrives, I enter the kitchen from putting Luca down for the night. What I find is the lengthy torso of a young boy, the nape on a neck belonging to someone more mature than he, a stance that preteen children wish to accomplish and a hairline that has been groomed with tools that have my most inner soul shaken. We had a plan, I had a plan. You see, Adan isn't supposed to have clippers on his hair until he goes to 1st grade. That's always been my own weird hang up rule. Somehow that assertion in decision making keeps him in a coddled image in my head, and it allows me to hang on to an innocence that has probably never truly existed when referencing follicles. Attempting to gain control over something I truly never had, is tormenting me. Marcus let that woman cut his hair too short, and I cried. I cried at the sink, I cried over my dinner plate, I cried as I put him to bed and witnessed his eyes drift into sleep and I cried as I made the inevitable transition into maturity, because that is where I should have been all along. His growth, Luca's growth, our growth as parents isn't anything that can be paused. I'm fine, I'll be fine...and just like that, acceptance walked into the house.

Sometimes not having control is the best part. Who am I kidding? It is so hard to live, but so easy to write. Sometimes that lack of control can prove to be just what the lens ordered. I was asked to take a friends maternity pictures, and since we can't control the weather, forging on was an ambivalent notion, but one I think we all hoped would pick a side. There was a window of time where the rain had stopped and it looked like there might be just enough time to snap away. And boy was there ever. The overcast turned out to give way to just the right amount of lighting, making post production easy.

These are a few of my faves...Wells Maternity

Um, hi! 

Cutest and sweetest couple EVER!

Seeds...

The alarm ding went off and my heart jumped, it still does, after 12 years with him, excitement ensues at the idea of seeing him. He walks through the garage door and there he stands, surveying his family before walking into the den. I fight every urge to hand him Luca because I know how important this time will be for Adan. No different than any other day, Adan whispers, "tell him I'm invisible", and as I do, he nudges even closer to me, as if hiding will assist his ploy to actually be out of sight. Marcus participates, it's cute, acting as if it is the first time he's ever been asked to play along. He enters the room, falsely surrendering to the find. "Where is Adan," he says, as he continues the persuit. And I can hear Adan giggle, his breathing becomes faster and he starts to pinch me a little as if to let me know, "mom, I'm so good, he has no clue where I am." And I sit back, as an observer of my family, I am in absolute joy at the thought that my husband is not only our son's daddy, but he is also our son's companion, his hero and these silly moments will carry Adan in the future. He will look back at them, as I have so many times before when I think about my daddy and the silly things he did with us to make us smile, and he will carry the love, always. I can't help but think of how truly blessed I am. To have participated in this cycle. I have witnessed many that need to be broken, but this one, this one has a tertiary effect that can only reap goodness, and will be given to Adan so one day he too can be this man for his children. My cup is so full, thank you Lord.

I always carry my camera, it's with me always. And if I had it to do all over again, I would have gone to college for photography and writing. So I blog and take pictures to fill that void, and it serves my soul in a different way. It affords me time alone, with no children and no husband. I am alone, behind the lens or on my computer, out letting my insides in the only artistic way I know. I love it. Sometimes, just sometimes my friends get wind of my desires and ask me to do them a favor, and I oblige and the results are below. 

#newbyginnings Maternity FAVES

Age is becoming, no?

I had already woken up twice, and the thought of pumping was the last thing on my mind. So I crawled back in bed, but not before standing at the foot of it, staring at what was in it. He was half covered, but fully engulfed in his dreams as his arm draped over our oldest son's chest. It was customary, these arrangements, when Adan casually got "cozy snuggles" just before bedtime on our bed, over a Friday night. We knew what he was doing, it wasn't the first time, and Marcus and I both secretly hoped that it wouldn't be the last. Six am arrived all too quickly and the little bean was awake, so I pried myself up from laying horizontally at the foot of our bed, with just enough energy to ask Marcus to get Luca. Duty called, and a couple of hours of sleep later, my boobs were being beckoned. And as our weekend morning ritual was coming to an end, we drove to IHOP. Even though hot chocolate, tea, pacifiers, Sofie and Lego's is what took up the most real estate on our table, it was the look in his eyes and that grin that carried the most equity. "What day is today," he managed to let the words escape from his lips as he rocked the baby to sleep in an over crowded restaurant. It took everything in him to refrain and allow me to discover what day had landed us in that very place, in that very moment with our very present and real life. As I pillaged through my bag and found my phone, Novemeber 22 was staring at me, convicting me with the, "how could you forget" expression. I looked right at him, holding back any self control, and said, "ah man, it's our anniversary!" As we both let that resignate between our gaze, laughter was the obvious resolution to our impeccable ability to let ourselves get absorbed in our every day life. And quite frankly, where we are right now, immersed in love with our family and for each other, forgetting what day is today isn't going to be a culprit for anything other than a celebration of what it meant for us 6 years ago. We vowed to love each other forever, we vowed to support one another and we vowed to be the others resting place when our souls need a break. And on this Saturday morning, we were just that for each other; as a family we will celebrate our every day life to honor that very day.

Marcus, our serendipitous love, our predestined love, Our Creator's Will lived out between us both, is everything I have ever wanted. You are my dream guy and I am so thankful to God for you. I love you so much. Happy Anniversary big poppa.

my news...is your news...

She sat on the rug, with her baby in her lap.  "Will I make him cry too, when he grows up?", she thought, as she stared into his cowlick on that brand new baby head.  It took everything in her, to not break down at that very moment, "please...PLEASE keep it together, I can't let him see me cry", she repeated over and over in her head as she stared into the face of her oldest son.  How is it that she could love him so much, and yet, hurt him just the same?  Her grace empty tank was rust filled and the little energy she had left in her body was just the catalyst her anger needed to lash out at him.  It was homework time, and as much as her intuition told her to not push forward, she was stubborn and continued.  Baby in her lap, a loaded verbal gun at her disposal, and against her better judgement, she went ahead.  A few minutes in, her mental rhetoric began, her conviction to stop arrived and the look in his eye that a different approach was desired was blarringly evident, but she plowed through, ignoring every clue to do the very opposite.  She had been here before, in fact, she was here every day since kindergarten started.  "We will be successful, we will be successful" her mantra echoed.  Meeting everyone else's expectations was a goal she just had to meet.  Nevermind the fact that meeting her son, where he was, should have superseded her current fuel to meet theirs. He deserves more, he deserves better.  And yesterday she decided to be just what he needed.  She will lovingly greet his weaknesses with gentle applause, for it is in those moments where he will find his strengths.  She will graciously meet his lack of concentration with whispering redirection, for it is in those moments where he will find his focus.  She will patiently instill a desire to learn, for it is in those moments where he will find his momentum.  She will intentionally love him through his lack of confidence, for it is in those moments where he will find me. 

I love you Adan, more than I could have possibly imagined.  I promise to love you more and more everyday, in not only the ways that you need, but in the abundant ways that your little 5 year old heart desires.

Will it, should it...

I was having this wierd feeling, like someone was watching me. And it happens often, mostly because the shadows of friends past are around me constantly, all the time. I don't get it, and I'm not sure I like it either. I had a friend, a good friend, one I thought would be around for the long haul, and well, let's just say that she isn't.  Turns out...she IS still around. She is in the faces of my new friends, and shows up in the actions of strangers. Makes me crazy, because my ploy to out of sight out of mind her can't be applied here when my brain is the culprit of my own live friends past feed. I have always believed that we aren't allowed to move past something, someone, some instance without taking with us the lesson that is to be learned. It will repeat itself over and over again until you take a solid moment and absorb it into your newly obtained blueprint for life. I have been trying to rebuild my friendships for a while, being okay with not getting the love back, yadayadayada. I've actually adopted a new way of thinking and honestly it's worked out great, or so I think. I mean, I feel like it's the only way that I can protect myself. I have vowed to only give away what I can afford to be without, with my friends and now recently, with my family. But what do you do when that conflicts terribly with your instinct to do the opposite? That is not who I am. I am not a partial lover. I love fulltime, all the time and to hold back for the sake of restructuring my insides, feels not natural. I need to find the means of architectural bliss and mesh that with what will not only build a killer frame, but also embellish my esthetics with flare that can only be adorned by those that claim to love me back. As I write this, I'm embarrassed to claim insecurity knowing that love is given and received in so many ways, and to seek it out in only the forms that I give it, is not only immature but wishful thinking for anyone who wants to sustain any type of relationship with me. I am very sensitive, overly emotional but carry with me the exterior of a bull fighter. That can be mistaken for many things. At times, eventhough I am a walking contradiction, knowing that this transparency can get me absolutely no where is much harder than acknowledging that where I am in this very moment is a result of my own actions. I will not make any excuses for the outcomes that were my past ventures. Not only do I believe that every woman has the power to navigate their own love life, but we also have the power to navigate the rest. We have no one to blame but ourselves for the predicaments we lie in.  I am responsible, and now this new found admittance will guide my new found framing and allow only those willing to assist in keeping it strong to walk along my side.

On another note, I got the best form of confirmation the other day. It was marvelous, it was bliss, it was mentally orgasmic. And I could not have scripted it better myself. Except that I did. In my mind, I willed it...and to fruition it came. That is all, how's that for vague?

evolution at it's worst...

I have never felt more validated in my life, passively validated, but validated nonetheless.  I will take it and run so far up the alley of redemption that neon lights will be my footprints...and for days, miles even, "I TOLD YOU SO" will live as residue all over those that opposed the evidence and didn't heed advice when it was presented in the obvious form.

Adan started kindergarten, Luca got himself born and we are officially a family of four.  I am no expert here, but it appears that my plate is full, and as much as I wanted to be busy in this fair form, having two children is much heavier than having just one.  I will brag a minute and say that Marcus and I taught Adan to be as independent as possible before Luca came so that we wouldn't be stretched too thin and we have been very successful in this attempt.  Yea us!

The struggle with girlfriends has made itself scarce lately, and I have felt so loved recently it makes me feel a bit unbelievable.  True friendships have migrated my way and my new family has been the reaper of such great gifts.  Since Luca has been born, we have had an uncountable number of people visit, bring gifts, feed us and love us, it has made me cry, literally.  I have never had friends like this before, and the overwhelming surge of love has given me whiplash. It has shown up, jolted my core and allowed me to see my worth as a person and to accept the love in the abundance it's been given.

I have been saying no to God lately, or deferring a response only worthy of a yes for an infinite time later.  I am ashamed at the thought of saying no to Him because what He can do when you respond with yes is life changing, world changing even.  Matthew West sings this song called, Do Something, and it answers the argument people have with God about how unfair this world is.  Like if God really existed, then why isn't He fixing all the problems we have in this world?  Truth is, I didn't need Matthew West to tell me otherwise, my bible has educated me on the simple response needed when contributing to the ailment of our world. But sometimes as I have mentioned before, music can give me a song jump only worthy of making it a reality.  And this song in particular shows up at His opportune time, not mine, and the time has come for me to say yes. 

It will start here.

In the meantime, for your my viewing pleasure of course, please enjoy these.

Luca's Baby Room.  Black and White was my official palette, but other accents made their way in and this was the bones. There are things in his room now, not pictured that have polished it off completely.  All in all, we love it and so does he.

You remember that commercial, "show me what's in your wallet", well this is sorta the same thing, except it is Luca's diaper bag.  I got this Louis as a push present when we had Adan, and used it as his diaper bag, officially it's called the Neverfull GM, and it truly is...NEVER FULL.  However with Adan, I just jam packed it with anything and everything without any true organization, and this time I was on the hunt for something that I could compartmentalize and pull out in it's entirety when I needed in. Number one requirement for me was something that I could separate and organize, and viola.

My BOYS.