She sat on the rug, with her baby in her lap. "Will I make him cry too, when he grows up?", she thought, as she stared into his cowlick on that brand new baby head. It took everything in her, to not break down at that very moment, "please...PLEASE keep it together, I can't let him see me cry", she repeated over and over in her head as she stared into the face of her oldest son. How is it that she could love him so much, and yet, hurt him just the same? Her grace empty tank was rust filled and the little energy she had left in her body was just the catalyst her anger needed to lash out at him. It was homework time, and as much as her intuition told her to not push forward, she was stubborn and continued. Baby in her lap, a loaded verbal gun at her disposal, and against her better judgement, she went ahead. A few minutes in, her mental rhetoric began, her conviction to stop arrived and the look in his eye that a different approach was desired was blarringly evident, but she plowed through, ignoring every clue to do the very opposite. She had been here before, in fact, she was here every day since kindergarten started. "We will be successful, we will be successful" her mantra echoed. Meeting everyone else's expectations was a goal she just had to meet. Nevermind the fact that meeting her son, where he was, should have superseded her current fuel to meet theirs. He deserves more, he deserves better. And yesterday she decided to be just what he needed. She will lovingly greet his weaknesses with gentle applause, for it is in those moments where he will find his strengths. She will graciously meet his lack of concentration with whispering redirection, for it is in those moments where he will find his focus. She will patiently instill a desire to learn, for it is in those moments where he will find his momentum. She will intentionally love him through his lack of confidence, for it is in those moments where he will find me.
I love you Adan, more than I could have possibly imagined. I promise to love you more and more everyday, in not only the ways that you need, but in the abundant ways that your little 5 year old heart desires.