Monday, May 23, 2016

I'm reminded...

I'm awful nosey, this isn't news. I can spend an unhealthy amount of time cyber stalking people, and unashamedly brag about it here, just now. On Instagram my explore option is never lonely, because I find myself clicking away like I have some investigation that needs solving. In real life, even when you think I'm not looking, I am. I have seen a father push your kid off his knee, because he was not interested in playing with him, even though your gentle child approached with love and a huge smile. He was brash and uninterested, lifted his head quickly to make sure nobody saw, but I did, I saw you. I have seen a husband not meet you, his wife, in the eyes as you attempt to engage him in conversation about the score, and he ignores your questions because he is too angry about the game. As you walk away, he looks around in shame because he realizes he was being a jerk and hopes no one heard your empty requests. But I did, I heard her...and I saw you. I have seen a coach yell at your kid, push him in frustration and go about his role like nothing ever happened. Either nobody saw it, or nobody had a problem with it, but I saw you and I had a problem with it. I have seen my son try and get your attention all while being a foot away from you, and you ignored him. You didn't look around to see if you were being watched, but you were, and I saw you. I'm not quite sure how to move past some of these encounters. I'm not quite sure how to mentally let go of them and let in the other part of you that's not a jerk. These are all very real things that have happened, and yet it has also been a very symbolic example of what I have always struggled whole life. Once I am exposed to your flaws, I am turned off and mentally dismiss you. That is wrong, beyond wrong. But I've done it for so long, that I forget we are all imperfect. And expecting perfection out of anyone is an unrealistic expectation. I own a very real part of myself that may not be received well by others. And moreover, I'm quite certain you've seen parts of me that have turned you off. How judgmental of me to label you from the beginning. You've read me write it before, how we are who we are at our worst, and you read me share a confrontation I had with Adan's opponents mom on my blog awhile back, exposing exactly who I am. But in case you were still wondering, I am a woman who falls short, every single day. I am a woman who struggles with moving on from first impressions. I am a woman who struggles with witnessing others interactions and then finding a healthy and appropriate way to deal with it. I remember reading a print a while back about how one of the best things you can do for your marriage is to stop taking the negativity towards others, of others to your husband. How speaking ill of someone to your husband, even if just to vent, invites him to partake. Truth is, I do it because I want validation for my feelings. I want others to feel what I feel. I want audible feedback and joint justification for choosing to feel like I do. I am approaching it all wrong, my first vent belongs to God, those feelings, issues and judgments that I carry around, are begging to be laid at His feet. He should be my ultimate soundboard, He is my ultimate soundboard. But if I was being at all honest with myself, I would also have to share that in surrendering my feelings, invites conviction and realistically may be the sole reason I am slow to approach. Because I know that I will realize that my methods are wrong, acknowledge that I need to change them and move on from the grief of observation. You see, once I hand it over I know what's coming. And why would I want anything else? I should be running to God when I'm tormented or bothered. But this is where my flesh and spirit find its most common battle, and where my global issues truly live. In my heart I know that in visiting with Him about this or anything else, pointing me to forgiveness, mine and His, will be the end result. And why in the world would I want anything else? 

So as I close this month long prayer time, I am going to add a specific request for myself, I'm going to ask that God continue to let me see, because seeing is not the problem; but that He continue to let me see maybe what others don't. I am going to ask that He lend me His eyes when I find myself focusing on the flaws and realize that everyone else is falling short as well. 

My blog serves as my journal, and I used to add pictures of my family often, then I started doing more and more photography, and that became a prime ending focus for my posts. And what better time than now, with this post, to reignite the best part of who I am.

This sweet angel turned 7 on May 14th. He is sweet. He is sensitive. He is loving. He is growing up way too fast.
The older he gets, the less involved I am getting with his birthday "hoopla", mostly because he doesn't want parties at home anymore, and most places don't allow for a ton of "hoopla". He wanted Hulk and he wanted TopGolf, then I showed him the invite and he changed his mind to Jumpstreet. I love to personalize goodies for the friends, and I'm not NOT gonna do that, so they all got Hulk Tees with their names on 'em. The logo was found here and I enlarged it on a program I use, added the names, bought Iron on paper from Hobby Lobby...ironed them on...and viola!
See? I mean Hulk had a golf club and everything...
...that boy, he'll never know what his momma does for him! But I'm not complaining, I'd do, will do, anything for those boys.
Any part of me that is good is because of my Heavenly Father and these 3 humans. As I left for work last night and circled around front, this was my view. They are perfect and I can't believe I'm fortunate enough to call them my family.


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