Saturday, October 10, 2015

In my flesh...

I lost it. I was waiting for it, truth be told. I let it happen, spoke it into existence and let the sins of my past wash over me. With my youngest at my hip and my ego on the horizon, I lost it. I allowed myself to get dark and proud. Who am I? I am notorious for saying that when people are at their worst, believe them, because that is who they really are. I have treaded in that very pool of truth before, and I was there this morning. As we pulled into the parking lot of the football fields, Adan said, "I don't have a good feeling about this game," and I asked him why, and he said he just didn't think it was going to be a good game. I told him to just have fun because that is what matters and if he has to throw the ball, throw it to his friends. And that was that, except that it wasn't. If his game was any premonition of what was to come, I did not heed it's warning. I had an exchange of words with an opponents mom, raised my voice and used horrible judgement. The worst part was, I had "enough sense" mid arguement to realize I still had my work jacket on, with my employers name stitched just below the lapel. And I thought to myself, "what example am I setting, I may one day take care of her child?!?" And it was that very thought that catapulted my spirit emotionally still. I fought it, His/God's voice. He silenced me...eventually. He reminded me that it is His love stitched in me that should anchor my compass. Allowing that to be what is visible for all to see, that is what matters most. Except that it wasn't, not this morning and I am ashamed. Turns out, I am who I am at my worst, and that is okay. I am grateful that I had the "better sense" of my seed, weigh greater in me. I am even more grateful to have said "yes" to it, before we left. I found her, walked up to her and told her I was sorry for acting that way. Whether she accepted my apology or not, I will never know. What I do know is, His perfect Glory goes before me and His love is, was and always will be...forever.

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