Friday, November 27, 2015

a revolving door...

For my entire life the past few weeks, I have been mentally resisting my usual mantra where my personality has sat so comfortably. Look, I know we all grow and we can come into experiences that change who we are, I know that. It has however, taken the better part of my brain to establish a covenant with my heart and allow for an evolving thought to be accepted. The climax of that thought produced the realization that I am not as much of a people person as I thought I was. I have been faking it, for quite some time, all of my life maybe. I do not enjoy the get to know you phase, at all. I want to skip it, and just get real with people, like right off the bat. Why can't we all just do that? Like feel the vibe out, and if you feel me and I feel you, then bam! Instant friendship. Then I had a thought. What if it is that way? What if everyone applies that process already, and I have consistently year after year, season after season, been weeded out? It's obvious I know, my outgoing personality, that is not a secret. But what if I have been compensating for the potential lack of initial "reach out" from others? The only thing I do know is that I am tired of the game. So stinking TIRED. The older I get the more okay I am with just letting that struggle with intimacy go...I think. You have read me write how much I struggle with getting the love back, and I need to move on! I mean it, I am so sick and tired of being spoken about in light and then not being treated as such. I am fulfilled in many other areas of my life, through my husband, my children and most importantly the Lord, so why can't my mind negotiate with my heart on a more consistent basis? If it did, it would produce an outcome worthy of change. Truth is, I have felt the shift, personally and professionally, and I don't really have much of a choice but to be okay with it. Don't get me wrong, I am not committing myself to silence and reverting to pantomime communication, but if you see me "disengaged", know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, I'm just not playing the game anymore. 

This sweet family has about the most gentle aura I've ever been around. And taking their pictures was beyond my pleasure. Here are a few of my faves.

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