gratitude is finite...

I drove home, after a very long shift. I walked through the door and helped to get the morning going. They were packing up and driving to Waco soon, and I would be left all alone. Wiping faces, brushing teeth, lacing up shoes and an insufficient amount of hugs and kisses were had before they all piled into the truck and drove away. It was Thanksgiving Day, and I would be spending it alone, without the most important people of my life. As the door shut behind them and I exhaled audibly, I made my way to our bedroom, for what I thought would be some amazing sleep. Except that it wasn't. I woke up every single hour, on the hour. Every single time that I looked at my phone and saw the time, it was a reminder that I was that much closer to having to go back to work. It was a reminder of how much time had already passed since I had seen my family. And it was a reminder of how soon I would have to pretend to be okay with working another night shift, on a holiday, without my family. Moments like these make me not like my job. Moments like these make me wish that I did something else for a living. And yet, moments like these make me stop and realize that even though I am obligated to report on holidays, weekends and overnight shifts, I am not obligated to lay in that hospital bed with those children. I am not obligated to carry a parents emotional burden of having a child so sick that their chest has to be opened in order to fix it. And I am not obligated to remain in such a victim rich outlook. I am however obligated to change my attitude, because I chose this life. I chose to study this in college and I choose now to continue it in the matter in which I do. I will get to go home in 12 hrs, every single night that I show up, but those children and their families do not. That obligation, the one to stand firm on a character that was instilled in me by no one other than the Lord, allows me to continue to carry out such an honor. Because that is exactly what I do. It is an absolute honor to have these parents look me in the eye, and trust me to keep their child safe and most importantly...alive. Every day, every night...even on Thanksgiving.

My heart was so rich after having met this family. They are brave, they are full of joy and they love each other very much. And I'm pretty sure their children will carry their tradition of love, forever. Here are a few of my faves.

a revolving door...

For my entire life the past few weeks, I have been mentally resisting my usual mantra where my personality has sat so comfortably. Look, I know we all grow and we can come into experiences that change who we are, I know that. It has however, taken the better part of my brain to establish a covenant with my heart and allow for an evolving thought to be accepted. The climax of that thought produced the realization that I am not as much of a people person as I thought I was. I have been faking it, for quite some time, all of my life maybe. I do not enjoy the get to know you phase, at all. I want to skip it, and just get real with people, like right off the bat. Why can't we all just do that? Like feel the vibe out, and if you feel me and I feel you, then bam! Instant friendship. Then I had a thought. What if it is that way? What if everyone applies that process already, and I have consistently year after year, season after season, been weeded out? It's obvious I know, my outgoing personality, that is not a secret. But what if I have been compensating for the potential lack of initial "reach out" from others? The only thing I do know is that I am tired of the game. So stinking TIRED. The older I get the more okay I am with just letting that struggle with intimacy go...I think. You have read me write how much I struggle with getting the love back, and I need to move on! I mean it, I am so sick and tired of being spoken about in light and then not being treated as such. I am fulfilled in many other areas of my life, through my husband, my children and most importantly the Lord, so why can't my mind negotiate with my heart on a more consistent basis? If it did, it would produce an outcome worthy of change. Truth is, I have felt the shift, personally and professionally, and I don't really have much of a choice but to be okay with it. Don't get me wrong, I am not committing myself to silence and reverting to pantomime communication, but if you see me "disengaged", know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, I'm just not playing the game anymore. 

This sweet family has about the most gentle aura I've ever been around. And taking their pictures was beyond my pleasure. Here are a few of my faves.

timing...

The more I try and clean, the more he makes it impossible to. Luca is determined to pull out every pan. He is determined to hide every Lego and he also manages to open every drawer in my dresser and pull apart socks I never even knew that I had. Those are not things that we teach. I never once showed him how to pull open the drawers or pocket tiny toys and make them disappear, yet somehow he just knows how to do it. But the more I thought about his incessant need to bridge the incline that is my attempt at cleaning, the more I think I understood his intentions. Him and I aren't very different. I find the path of his destruction is aligned with my need to check off those "tasky" engagements. Sometimes it's dishes, sometimes it loading the washer and sadly, sometimes it's scrolling my phone. We are a people made for closeness. Of course it wouldn't be something we are taught. It is something that we are just born with. The desire to be noticed, to be fawned over and to be flat out paid attention to, I believe it is innate within us. When he makes landscape nightmares of our home, leaving traces of pots and pans, underwear and diapers, I know he is telling me something...he wants me. My job isn't to teach him to not make a ransack of our home, but to teach him that I am present for him. And that is something that he will learn as I disengage from everyday distractions and focus my attention on this life that has been entrusted to me. Is keeping a tidy home important? I guess it depends on who you ask, but for me, sitting in this season with Luca is way more important than having polished baseboards beds made. Listen folks, they will only be this age once, ONCE! I know you all have read me write it, and as much as you here my say it, just know that I will never tire of making it made known...time will wait for no one.

The seasons are changing, can you feel it? The nights are colder and the breeze is getting stronger. 

With this changing weather, comes a tide of family closeness. And when I get a chance to take one's picture, it makes for a great fall evening in my book. Here's a peek at a few of my fave "time stoppers" from this sweet family.

refinement...

We asked him to get in our bed, in between the both of us, because we wanted to get cozy snuggles, but we also wanted to tell him how much we loved him. He loved the idea, and did not hesitate to crawl in. Back and forth we went, Marcus and I, telling him how special he was, telling him how adorable he was and telling him how irreplaceable he is to us both. There was ulterior motive in Marcus' suggestion, he was making an appointment with Adan, and I was going to be lucky enough to witness. You see, these two, they are part of a daddy and son bible study that a fellow dad started at TCA. They are in the midst of studying the great warriors in the bible. Marcus has been wanting to introduce Joshua to Adan, but in order to know Joshua, you must first meet Moses. And as our love fest began to wind down, Marcus started to ask Adan about Egypt. As I laid there in observance of what was taking place, I was reminded of Our Savior's promise to be present when two or more are gathered in His name. I was overcome with emotion, and as the tears surfaced, my instinct was to bow my head and rest it in between Adan's shoulder blades, so I did. My sighs were audible, the tears were visible, because our son had just made us a worshiping three, and I was emotionally fulfilled. I thanked God immediately for this moment. I told Him that I was undeserving of such a memory. But just as quickly as the words left my mouth, He reminded me that I am...and so are you.

Being a mother has changed me, in ways that I never knew could. The love that I am capable of giving is immeasurable. I see things that I could not see before and having a chance to witness sweet love in person when someone asks me to take their picture is pretty awesome. Love is visible everywhere, including these below. Here are a few of my faves from this sweet family.