Age is becoming, no?

I had already woken up twice, and the thought of pumping was the last thing on my mind. So I crawled back in bed, but not before standing at the foot of it, staring at what was in it. He was half covered, but fully engulfed in his dreams as his arm draped over our oldest son's chest. It was customary, these arrangements, when Adan casually got "cozy snuggles" just before bedtime on our bed, over a Friday night. We knew what he was doing, it wasn't the first time, and Marcus and I both secretly hoped that it wouldn't be the last. Six am arrived all too quickly and the little bean was awake, so I pried myself up from laying horizontally at the foot of our bed, with just enough energy to ask Marcus to get Luca. Duty called, and a couple of hours of sleep later, my boobs were being beckoned. And as our weekend morning ritual was coming to an end, we drove to IHOP. Even though hot chocolate, tea, pacifiers, Sofie and Lego's is what took up the most real estate on our table, it was the look in his eyes and that grin that carried the most equity. "What day is today," he managed to let the words escape from his lips as he rocked the baby to sleep in an over crowded restaurant. It took everything in him to refrain and allow me to discover what day had landed us in that very place, in that very moment with our very present and real life. As I pillaged through my bag and found my phone, Novemeber 22 was staring at me, convicting me with the, "how could you forget" expression. I looked right at him, holding back any self control, and said, "ah man, it's our anniversary!" As we both let that resignate between our gaze, laughter was the obvious resolution to our impeccable ability to let ourselves get absorbed in our every day life. And quite frankly, where we are right now, immersed in love with our family and for each other, forgetting what day is today isn't going to be a culprit for anything other than a celebration of what it meant for us 6 years ago. We vowed to love each other forever, we vowed to support one another and we vowed to be the others resting place when our souls need a break. And on this Saturday morning, we were just that for each other; as a family we will celebrate our every day life to honor that very day.

Marcus, our serendipitous love, our predestined love, Our Creator's Will lived out between us both, is everything I have ever wanted. You are my dream guy and I am so thankful to God for you. I love you so much. Happy Anniversary big poppa.

my news...is your news...

She sat on the rug, with her baby in her lap.  "Will I make him cry too, when he grows up?", she thought, as she stared into his cowlick on that brand new baby head.  It took everything in her, to not break down at that very moment, "please...PLEASE keep it together, I can't let him see me cry", she repeated over and over in her head as she stared into the face of her oldest son.  How is it that she could love him so much, and yet, hurt him just the same?  Her grace empty tank was rust filled and the little energy she had left in her body was just the catalyst her anger needed to lash out at him.  It was homework time, and as much as her intuition told her to not push forward, she was stubborn and continued.  Baby in her lap, a loaded verbal gun at her disposal, and against her better judgement, she went ahead.  A few minutes in, her mental rhetoric began, her conviction to stop arrived and the look in his eye that a different approach was desired was blarringly evident, but she plowed through, ignoring every clue to do the very opposite.  She had been here before, in fact, she was here every day since kindergarten started.  "We will be successful, we will be successful" her mantra echoed.  Meeting everyone else's expectations was a goal she just had to meet.  Nevermind the fact that meeting her son, where he was, should have superseded her current fuel to meet theirs. He deserves more, he deserves better.  And yesterday she decided to be just what he needed.  She will lovingly greet his weaknesses with gentle applause, for it is in those moments where he will find his strengths.  She will graciously meet his lack of concentration with whispering redirection, for it is in those moments where he will find his focus.  She will patiently instill a desire to learn, for it is in those moments where he will find his momentum.  She will intentionally love him through his lack of confidence, for it is in those moments where he will find me. 

I love you Adan, more than I could have possibly imagined.  I promise to love you more and more everyday, in not only the ways that you need, but in the abundant ways that your little 5 year old heart desires.

Will it, should it...

I was having this wierd feeling, like someone was watching me. And it happens often, mostly because the shadows of friends past are around me constantly, all the time. I don't get it, and I'm not sure I like it either. I had a friend, a good friend, one I thought would be around for the long haul, and well, let's just say that she isn't.  Turns out...she IS still around. She is in the faces of my new friends, and shows up in the actions of strangers. Makes me crazy, because my ploy to out of sight out of mind her can't be applied here when my brain is the culprit of my own live friends past feed. I have always believed that we aren't allowed to move past something, someone, some instance without taking with us the lesson that is to be learned. It will repeat itself over and over again until you take a solid moment and absorb it into your newly obtained blueprint for life. I have been trying to rebuild my friendships for a while, being okay with not getting the love back, yadayadayada. I've actually adopted a new way of thinking and honestly it's worked out great, or so I think. I mean, I feel like it's the only way that I can protect myself. I have vowed to only give away what I can afford to be without, with my friends and now recently, with my family. But what do you do when that conflicts terribly with your instinct to do the opposite? That is not who I am. I am not a partial lover. I love fulltime, all the time and to hold back for the sake of restructuring my insides, feels not natural. I need to find the means of architectural bliss and mesh that with what will not only build a killer frame, but also embellish my esthetics with flare that can only be adorned by those that claim to love me back. As I write this, I'm embarrassed to claim insecurity knowing that love is given and received in so many ways, and to seek it out in only the forms that I give it, is not only immature but wishful thinking for anyone who wants to sustain any type of relationship with me. I am very sensitive, overly emotional but carry with me the exterior of a bull fighter. That can be mistaken for many things. At times, eventhough I am a walking contradiction, knowing that this transparency can get me absolutely no where is much harder than acknowledging that where I am in this very moment is a result of my own actions. I will not make any excuses for the outcomes that were my past ventures. Not only do I believe that every woman has the power to navigate their own love life, but we also have the power to navigate the rest. We have no one to blame but ourselves for the predicaments we lie in.  I am responsible, and now this new found admittance will guide my new found framing and allow only those willing to assist in keeping it strong to walk along my side.

On another note, I got the best form of confirmation the other day. It was marvelous, it was bliss, it was mentally orgasmic. And I could not have scripted it better myself. Except that I did. In my mind, I willed it...and to fruition it came. That is all, how's that for vague?

evolution at it's worst...

I have never felt more validated in my life, passively validated, but validated nonetheless.  I will take it and run so far up the alley of redemption that neon lights will be my footprints...and for days, miles even, "I TOLD YOU SO" will live as residue all over those that opposed the evidence and didn't heed advice when it was presented in the obvious form.

Adan started kindergarten, Luca got himself born and we are officially a family of four.  I am no expert here, but it appears that my plate is full, and as much as I wanted to be busy in this fair form, having two children is much heavier than having just one.  I will brag a minute and say that Marcus and I taught Adan to be as independent as possible before Luca came so that we wouldn't be stretched too thin and we have been very successful in this attempt.  Yea us!

The struggle with girlfriends has made itself scarce lately, and I have felt so loved recently it makes me feel a bit unbelievable.  True friendships have migrated my way and my new family has been the reaper of such great gifts.  Since Luca has been born, we have had an uncountable number of people visit, bring gifts, feed us and love us, it has made me cry, literally.  I have never had friends like this before, and the overwhelming surge of love has given me whiplash. It has shown up, jolted my core and allowed me to see my worth as a person and to accept the love in the abundance it's been given.

I have been saying no to God lately, or deferring a response only worthy of a yes for an infinite time later.  I am ashamed at the thought of saying no to Him because what He can do when you respond with yes is life changing, world changing even.  Matthew West sings this song called, Do Something, and it answers the argument people have with God about how unfair this world is.  Like if God really existed, then why isn't He fixing all the problems we have in this world?  Truth is, I didn't need Matthew West to tell me otherwise, my bible has educated me on the simple response needed when contributing to the ailment of our world. But sometimes as I have mentioned before, music can give me a song jump only worthy of making it a reality.  And this song in particular shows up at His opportune time, not mine, and the time has come for me to say yes. 

It will start here.

In the meantime, for your my viewing pleasure of course, please enjoy these.

Luca's Baby Room.  Black and White was my official palette, but other accents made their way in and this was the bones. There are things in his room now, not pictured that have polished it off completely.  All in all, we love it and so does he.

You remember that commercial, "show me what's in your wallet", well this is sorta the same thing, except it is Luca's diaper bag.  I got this Louis as a push present when we had Adan, and used it as his diaper bag, officially it's called the Neverfull GM, and it truly is...NEVER FULL.  However with Adan, I just jam packed it with anything and everything without any true organization, and this time I was on the hunt for something that I could compartmentalize and pull out in it's entirety when I needed in. Number one requirement for me was something that I could separate and organize, and viola.

My BOYS.

 



Bite me...

Whose confidence do you carry? Is it your own? Is it self grown or self taught? Did you observe it over time and now via osmosis you are a form of brave you think you can be proud of? There is a new beast of women out there who mimic confidence and walk assuredly in their sense of entitlement. My job is serious. I can kill someone with my mistake. I can injure someone's whole life with my careless thoughtless care. If I don't hold myself accountable, and don't appreciate those who attempt to, I will never see the importance that is my 12hr shift. I rolled my eyes at the beginning of my start at CMCD, the procedures we carry, the process of recovery, the path to transfer and so forth. Just thought many a times, "man, this pace blows, but the pay sure is nice". It took time, months even for me to appreciate why it's done the way it is. I know my role, too well, dumbing it down while being taught is something that you just do, so you can plow through someone else's idea of right in the interim of independent assignments. You "oooh", and "oh, so that's how it's done", throw in an occasional,  "wow, I don't know if I can do that", for 12 weeks or so then adopt your own experience with your new merger and start your practice. Part of my confidence comes in being honest. I've never lied to my patients. Coming from P Land, as an adult cardiac ICU nurse, if I had a man tugging at his Foley, I quickly responded with, "if you keep pulling that, your penis will stop working and you won't be able to have sex anymore". If I had a women who frequent flyered our unit for CHF exacerbation and she looked at me with sympathetic eyes as she stuffed her face with the fast food brought by her daughter, I didn't hesitate to take that away and tell her, "that's exactly what brought you back in here, you can't eat that, at least not while I'm your nurse". And now, with these babies, when my family's ask about their child's prognosis, I am honest, I know my boundaries, never cross them, however, I never lie to them to avoid the awkwardness and devastating presence that is their dying child. I watched a woman with the look of impending doom, stare me down, never losing eye contact, die, right in front of me because I did not advocate enough for intervention. Because I cared too much about what my provider would think of me. I take that with me everywhere now. I see her all the time. She encourages my honesty when I round and request something be done. I'm not afraid to come across brash or forward. If that honesty will keep you alive, you will hear me. Being direct and honest is not far from my reach. I carry that trait, albeit good or bad, with me in everything I do. I pride myself in you never having to guess where I stand, solicited of course, either way though, no surprises ever. And nothing, and I mean NOTHING, upsets me more than when someone goes around me to have their accomplice attempt to rectify or address something they should have the guts to do themselves. If you are in a "leadership" role, that I quickly learned is pure fluff, and can't address me directly, then you are weak. And I am laughing at you, hard. I'm going real immature as to even point at you mentally and make fun of your inadequacy and lack of confidence to do your own "dirty work". There will come a time when, "I told you so", will be on my fishing rod tongue, and what you need to leave with is knowing that that bait has been marinating for quite some time, and if anyone should be worried, it's you. My emotional state will not override this ever present climax of events that is to come, my ever standing, ever present true confidence will be what reels my catch in. No breaking of the rod here my friends, the fish will be caught, and have scales for days. And even though I am not a taxidermist by trade, eventhough I wanna be now more than ever, please do not come to me to assist you as you attempt to filet that sucker open when the time comes.

Sorry folks, no photo dump today...just me venting...as usual.

Have a great day.

here is my intentional...

Almost embarrassed when I looked and realized how long it had been since I was last here.  Beyond embarrassed actually, more like mortified at the idea of returning with nothing to say, no clever segway to my photo bombs and just me blabbering about my qualms at work.  Truth is, the front has been awful heavy, with all kinds of goodness.  I'm pregnant, in case you didn't know.  Took us nearly three years to conceive this little bean, and it's a boy.  Wouldn't have it any other way, I mean, there's only room for one girl in this house, truth be told, I hope it's always me and not some floozy these boys decide to bring home one day.  I'm sort of at the stage that maybe, just maybe, there might be room for one more, but in case you didn't know, these grand kids have a pattern, and they alternate sexes, and the next one would be girl (ie. me not being the lone cookie, BIG PROBLEM). So, needless to say, whilst the doctor has her scalpel and sutures at her trained finger tips, we might have her lace up my tubes in a pretty bow and tuck those suckers away for my already lazy eggs to travel to, um, no where.  It's fine, they will be fine, they won't know any different, they already never make it where they belong anyways, lazy little suckers.  So here's what's been on the front, oh yea, and it's been accompanied by many a song jump, an intense form of the ladder choices I've made in the past.  If you are a new reader, and don't quite get it, it's okay, you will later.  Adan is 5. He starts kindergarten in the Fall. I feel so overwhelmed. There has been so much change in such a little time, all over the place, all around me, everywhere.  Life threatening, now there's a word that is thrown around way too much.  Amazing, surreal...if I hear those again, I will shoot the person regurging them into their vocabulary on the spot, and never look back.  But, if I were being at all honest with myself, those three words not only have been taking up quite the spot in my head, but have been living on the tip of my fishing rod of a tongue for a long time. And I have been baiting, almost on the daily, but I have never liked fishing.  As a matter of fact, I've only been once, and even though I actually never held the rod, I worked that task like the metaphor queen that I am.  And as I sat there, observing the pointless task that is "fishing", I started thinking about how we are all fisherman.  Some of us fish with makeup, some of us fish with words, and I my dear, am a fisherman of emotions.  I am an emotional fisherman. I am weak alone, and when I fish, I am looking for something, someone to walk with in my state of hunger.  I am so damn hungry, that sometimes when I bait my rod, I am not even taking into consideration the school that is beneath me waiting to bite, and before I know it, I have gotten so many bites, my rod has broken and I can't catch a break, literally.  Self sabotage has become the residue that lingers on my hook, but I'll be damned if I let some life threatening episode turn into some surreal event that prevents my amazing climax that is my family's ever after.  See what I did there?  Any volunteers, I mean, I'll even walk right into your bullet. 

Seeing as how it's been since October of last year since I visited my blog, I had to majorly cut down on the photo dump, you're welcome!  But in case you are at all curious, this is what's been on the low down/high ground at Ese'me.

Megan.  What can I say, I love her dearly, and she always includes me in her life events.  I feel so honored to have her as a friend and love her so much.  She doesn't need my love, or anyone's for that matter, but she has it in abundance via her friends, family and sweet husband...and now that lil Vossie is here, her cup runneth over.

JuJu.  Well, this young man, has changed so much over the years, and he excelled so much his last year of school and one of the sports that took him along for a hell of a ride was power lifting.  He kicked ass, and found his calling.

Mama bear let me snap a few of her growing belly, and I was so thankful, again, to be a part of her life event.

We were the loudest on the block, our neighbors came out wondering what all the yelling was about...oh don't mind us, just a bunch of Mexicans slapping "coscorones" on our heads to celebrate the Risen King. LOL!

Senior Pics...I met him when he was turning 5, he was going into kindergarten and now he has graduated.  I am at the end of both spectrum's with young men in my life.  Adan is where JuJu was 13 yrs ago, and time flew, and I know it will with Adan too.  I'm devastated looking forward to it.

I'm obsessed with making his birthday parties so special.  If I do anything right with my children it will be that they will know I love the crap out of them, and they will have any kind of birthday they want, and momma will always make everything.  This year it was Wild Kratts, he's obsessed, and I'd be lying if I said it was easy.  Even though I didn't sew this year, it was so darn time consuming, all those Pinterest mommas who shared their ideas, are liars.  Either way, it was a success and all 19 kids, and their families had a blast, and little bugga did too!!!

THE PROOF

See what I mean.  Dying.  I'm dying, inside, a little bit every day.