Monday, April 9, 2012

pull it off...

So many of the most overused phrases around have been formulating road blocks in my mind.  Those cliches that make the eye roll, the ones that make you gag a bit when you hear them have been buying up all kinds of stock in my brain.  My confidence is quite the curve ball.  It often depends on what mood I'm in, and who I am surrounded with.  Definitely not something that I care to admit, but a little to late to state any different.  To give somebody or some situation that much control over my questionable happiness is a trait I believe worthy of screaming about, the kind of scream that leaves not only your mouth, but wishfully your soul all the same.  I have been trying for sometime to be happy all by myself.  One way or another we are going to face the nemesis we like to call the alter, that ego we frequent when we don't want to reveal who we just might really be.  Do you ever live there, in those moments of turning emotionally into somebody else because it is easier to expel yourself and blame the raw organic existence on your alter ego?  I believe we visit this movement because it is more appealing to have a cattiness with self, than to actually face the present life experience.  Sometimes simplicity and generosity run purposefully close.  Happiness should grow on the back of intention, resolving our own improper use of guilt.  I'm not quite convinced this is a good thing.  I'm quite ambivalent actually, but resolve myself to the possibility of admitting there might be a cluster of unaware safety nets, in the wrong place, vengefully awaiting to absolve me from my own boobie trap of ridicule.  But sometimes deciding to face the choice you made is only the result of not having anything else to think about.

I was so afraid the other morning.  I was afraid that I would commit to the above in the wrong way.  I prayed that as I sat at church Easter morning, the guilt that I had would be appropriately lifted, by my intent to be happy for He had risen.  That when I bowed my head in prayer to my Heavenly Father, it would be out of my hearts simple wish to be close to His ever growing, over flowing generous existence. Remember my epiphany at church at the end of last year?  Well, I found an even better way to share it.  Remember my specific request for a teacher as a pastor?  Well, I found an even better way to share what I mean when I say that teaching a congregation is an enormous responsibility and should be done by vividly explaining the scripture.  You will have to spare a little bit of time to understand fully, but it was at the end of this sermon when I felt the Holy Spirit tell me "nothing has changed".  And it hasn't, nothing has changed, we are still a people patiently waiting, the only thing that is different is the amount of time that has passed.

It was around minute 31:53 where I "oh'd" audibly, and was like, "nothing has changed, we are still waiting for His return"

Our church had planned two very large egg hunts, however the weather did not allow, and the sweet wet church ladies had to go and pick up all the eggs they had hidden because it started to rain as the service was ending...I quickly snatched a bag and handed the eggs out to our family, and Adan went to each of us for an egg treat...oh yea, and with all the extra time, he gave us the grand tour of his school...he was so happy to be the leader we followed
He seems to accommodate me often, and I just snap as often has he allows

After we shoved our faces with food, we shoved some eggs over heads
...and then we shoved eggs in our baskets


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