well, somebody had to say it...

Getting a taste of something so good and having the opportunity to relish in the flavor, remember the marination and reflect on the taste is a pretty awesome gift.  I have had a feeling of inadequacy lately regarding my abilities as a woman.  To be perfectly honest, the quo of what we are supposed to be and who we are fullfilled in becoming aren't synonymous in my thinking personally.  I can remember being a little girl and thinking about what it would be like to be older, but not really knowing what it meant.  I knew that when you grow up, you become responsible and so forth, but I just never thought that I was really capable of "feeling" it.  I have been exposed to this audible surrounding.  That surrounding at times echos loudly the opinions of who that woman should be.  Recently personal experiences have purchased a stake in my heart that twists and enters at just the right angle.  The love that I know I have in my life however, tends to plug up its ability to bleed, and for that I am grateful.  I am so lucky to be in the place that I am, married to a wonderful man and we have this amazing boy.  But I am faced with the question...of it being enough?  Is it enough to be married and to mother Adan?  The truth is, I always wanted to be married, I always wanted a boyfriend, I have always wanted love in the way that I have it now, but the mother part has been a struggle to adjust to.  For the past 3 years, motherhood has been a reality that is just now sincerely sinking in.  And the saity of motherhood tastes so good, that I'm often taken back to when I was pregnant, desiring it again.  Many of you don't know this, but my pregnancy wasn't a lullaby, I was nauseous all day every day, and vomited consistently for about 16 weeks straight, all day, NO LIE.  It was truly unbearable, but like most things worth waiting for, this wasn't any different and completely worth it.  I didn't really realize how invested women are in their futures when it comes to family planning, until I became one of them.  I often wonder if nature versus nurture not only applies, in my opinion of course, to sexual orientation or also to the many plagued life choices that women specifically are faced with.  When dropping Adan off at school, other mothers of kiddies his age are either pregnant or new mothers again, and my reflection in them is so inadequate that I'm left feeling dissatisfied.  That dissatisfaction is unrecognizable in it's origin though.  I know that there is a plan for my family, and even though I am not with child now, is my son enough?  If he was it for me, I think I would be okay, more than okay.  That feeling of doubt inside, the one I hold on to, I'm not quite sure it is birthed organically, and I'm not convinced that it solely belongs to me, but purchased at the buffet table of "what little girls should be when they grow up".  The taste in my mouth is yearning for second helpings, but I'm waiting for the ability to leave the table knowing that what I have may just have to be it.  I don't know about you, but these days I count my blessings because I know that they are all gifts and recognize that as easily as they are received, they may just as quickly vanish.  Three years ago on May 14th, my life changed forever, and celebrating his life is a reminder of just how purposed my life really is...just as it is.

Food...of which there was plenty

Sesame Street was the theme, did you guess?

I think I'm getting better every year...

Adan's guests...then ending the party with a birthday bonfire

We had so much fun, and I've mentioned before how lucky I feel to be with Adan every single day, and how lucky sometimes I'm not because I feel totally unavailable emotionally to him because I'm tired all the time, well...I made a promise to myself, that I would always make his birthdays special and do all the work, so he would know that momma made all the things he loves on his special day.  Again, my obvious helper is always Pinterest, duh, but specifically the idea was birthed here, and then this place was my staple for the pastries...the cupcakes and blow out candle cake.