fear. not.

Arms crossed, blank stare and a restless posture, that is my view as I stop and take in what is brewing in the corner of my eye. He is thinking. He is a thinker, always has been. If it has arrived at his lips to speak, it is because he has spent countless seconds, minutes, hours, months even, calculating the worth and weight of his words. He is a man that carries a level heart and mind to anything he approaches. As he navigates his business in these unsure times, he still finds a way to take on the clients potential financial burdens for the services he continues to provide. I ask him, "What are you doing?", and he replies, "Getting ready to send this email for my retainer fee with ______ Airlines," but not without an emotional disruption to his overall demeanor as he speaks, and he follows with, "and I just want to make sure it's fair." How can you quantify what is truly fair? I mean, whether we are navigating a new normal in our country or living out, historically what might return as a new normal, how can we truly objectify, monetarily and tangibly produce our worth to someone else? Is it possible to state what you feel you can provide in hopes that someone aligns with your thinking and actually reward you accordingly? Appraising our worth is not our job, ever. Yet we spend so much time, professionally in this instance, doing it. Maybe your business requires you to, maybe your relationships force you to value your time or maybe your role as a mother ignites a need to be validated in your efforts, especially now. Whose job is it then? Who does that role truly belong to? Our church at home this morning was everything my heart needed to hear, and affirmed what my heart had been longing to audibly hear. It has been months where God has placed a prayer redirection over my family. Simply put, my focus has been on Jesus and Jesus alone when I approach Him on behalf of them, in prayer. That they would seek and find, pursue and surrender everything they are to Him, period. I can't help but be reminded of how simple His pursuit of us is. How in all things He wishes to dwell, and if we invite Him to, He will take on that burden and yoke us. (Matthew 11:25-28). Let your worth and who you are be defined by the One who created you. Easier said than done, I know. Half the time, when I blog, which hasn't been since last year, I write for myself. I write so that I can be pushed outside of my comfort, so that I can be reminded of how far I've come and to visualize where I want to be. Sitting across from my husband, my brother in Christ and my partner in life, I'm reminded of how inconsequential my love for him is in comparison to God's love for him. Husband, father and business owner are some of his most invaluable roles, but the struggle he currently campaigns internally to translate onto this email, I know is found in the decision he made to follow Jesus over 15 years ago. He will always be a man that invites the Lord to be a part of all the decisions he makes, and that is truly where his incomparable worth resides anyways. And so should yours.

Hope these lyrics can speak to you, even if I can't.

Social Club Misfits - Enough (ft. Austin French) (Lyric Video)

it's real...

April was a pivotal month for our family. The heaviness in my heart for change in my personal life was stirring for about 2 years prior. I was struggling at work with happiness. Toggling back and forth with the notion of grad school. I thought maybe God was pulling me outside of my current employment to another job title. The list goes on and on. So I started to really pray for that unsettling emotion of change on the horizon. I started to ask the Lord for His will to overtake my own desires of immediate gratification in my professional career, and just asked Him to prepare me and open the right door at the right time. Time passed and I applied to other jobs and even to grad school, to no avail. Mother's day came around, and I got to go part-time, and for a moment, a long moment, I thought this is what the horizon had for me. But that unsettling feeling was back. So my prayer continued. Around this time, Marcus really began to struggle at his own job with personal satisfaction, so he threw the "what if I quit and go out on my own" on me? Normally, and historically, I had slapped that notion away, almost immediately. But this time, I could sense and see the ambition in his voice. Not that I hadn't before, it is just that my personality when it comes to things like this is of operational fear. I am scared, and tend to shut it down, almost immediately because the game of "what if" brings on a serious boil and the ability to simmer and slowly cook is unyielding. This moment, however, was different. And I realized that for 2 years, God had placed a seed of change in my heart for my husband and not myself. This is where the two become one in a marriage became truly instrumental, and God was preparing me for the change...Marcus's change, our change. And the fear operating, stress responding and no way in heck, chance taking Monica was no where to be found, because I had been simmering and slow cooking for so long. God had been preparing me for quite some time, so when Marcus yanked the pot from the burner, I was there...ready. He has started his own company after faithfully devoting himself for 19 years to someone else, and is working now, harder than ever, but for himself. Our family couldn't be more proud. We love him, and he is already making big moves!

Airworth Aviation
President

dead end to no end...

There comes a time in one's life when you are truly held accountable for where you are in your life. Well, truth is, you should always be accountable. But sometimes it isn't as obvious as one would think. Sometimes it's a faint brush of air that suddenly allows you to shift your axis and see that the weight has been off center. I got whiplash recently from the absolute submersion of motherhood and all that it means...to not only exist in the role, but to be successful at it. It's hard, y'all. This gig is drowning sometimes. I am my weakest link. And when I'm drowning, I'm taking my kids with me. Leaving them no true lifeguard and showing them that treading water is enough, when we all know basic swimming can safe a life! I hate that about myself. To say and to know when you are in the wrong is one thing, but to snap yourself out of it and to completely put the nonsense to a stop, is crucial. Sometimes I can't see it, when it's happening, and sometimes I can. Marcus can jolt me, when he's around. But the most damaging of times is when I'm alone, and my own conviction guides my compass but I knowingly ignore it because my selfish desire takes precedent...and it's stupid, it's irresponsible and it's detrimental to who I'm molding and encouraging my children to be. I have said it out loud. It exists, and I share it with you. Because if you struggle to be a mom you can be proud of, me too! I started a new quiet time focusing on what I like to call, "my mental mommy thinking", and the major overhaul it needs. I came across this book, that aligns itself beautifully with scripture, and it has been helping me to give GRACE! Somehow, I expect God to forgive me on the insurmountable errors I make, yet I expect near flawless children all of the time some of the time.

So...

I thought I'd share what the first few days of my reading have taught me, in hopes that maybe they can help you too. When you are at your wits, with rising tides and the treading of water has crippled your ability to swim, fogging your goggles...Remember, in the beginning, God!

1. I have never taken this job for granted, except that I have. Does that make sense?! I recognize, almost daily, sometimes through tears at the most inopportune times, how incredibly blessed I am to have two healthy, sweet boys. But that job, as much of a gift that it is, is work, hard work. Work that has been thought of, designed and made possible by God. He was there before it, there awaiting you until you arrived in it, and now patiently awaiting your request for help getting you through it.
1. Genesis 1:1 "In the beginning, God..."
1. I have let my short comings dictate how I behave in situations with my kids for far too long. I'm committed to changing how I am with them, escorting those dangerous faults of mine into the hands of my Creator, because that's where they belong. 
2. Some of my biggest down falls as a mom have been the things I tell myself about my kids when they're getting on my nerves just being children, and testing the boundaries for growth. I support my feelings of disappointment with negative thoughts, provide myself with elaborate power point presentations to solidify their actions and justify my warranted outbursts of punishment. It can take up major real estate in my mind, it then bleeds into my heart and I'm done. Satan has officially won.
1. Phillipians 4:8 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
1. It's my job to fill them with such things, period. Even through discipline, the underlying foundation of all things should be LOVE(ing).
2. Plant a seed of trust and water it with words of admiration while they are young, and I dare say that when they are grown, they will flourish into what we believed they were all along. -Parenting Scripts

I am overwhelmed.
I am hopeful.
I am fervent.

H A P P Y  V A L E N T I N E ' S  D A Y, everyone!

May your homes and hearts be filled with so much love today, and every day that follows. This holiday is silly, but it sure does give us an opportunity to go overboard in showing those who are in our life, LOVE! And my kiddos have been given the opportunity to do just that, in school. It's kind of my favorite thing to do for them. I get input from them, they yes/no, pick out, turn down and then I take it from there.

Adan is in 3rd grade and they have been studying measurements, hence the ruler. I got the idea from here and fashioned my own printables using my trusty helper. Luca is in preschool for the first time ever, and he has been learning how to write his name, along with the alphabet, hence the pencil. His valentine is on repeat, it was similar to one I did for Adan in first grade, but who's counting?!

Close up! #dying

Aren't they cute?! #dyingagain

I'm reminded...

I'm awful nosey, this isn't news. I can spend an unhealthy amount of time cyber stalking people, and unashamedly brag about it here, just now. On Instagram my explore option is never lonely, because I find myself clicking away like I have some investigation that needs solving. In real life, even when you think I'm not looking, I am. I have seen a father push your kid off his knee, because he was not interested in playing with him, even though your gentle child approached with love and a huge smile. He was brash and uninterested, lifted his head quickly to make sure nobody saw, but I did, I saw you. I have seen a husband not meet you, his wife, in the eyes as you attempt to engage him in conversation about the score, and he ignores your questions because he is too angry about the game. As you walk away, he looks around in shame because he realizes he was being a jerk and hopes no one heard your empty requests. But I did, I heard her...and I saw you. I have seen a coach yell at your kid, push him in frustration and go about his role like nothing ever happened. Either nobody saw it, or nobody had a problem with it, but I saw you and I had a problem with it. I have seen my son try and get your attention all while being a foot away from you, and you ignored him. You didn't look around to see if you were being watched, but you were, and I saw you. I'm not quite sure how to move past some of these encounters. I'm not quite sure how to mentally let go of them and let in the other part of you that's not a jerk. These are all very real things that have happened, and yet it has also been a very symbolic example of what I have always struggled with...my whole life. Once I am exposed to your flaws, I am turned off and mentally dismiss you. That is wrong, beyond wrong. But I've done it for so long, that I forget we are all imperfect. And expecting perfection out of anyone is an unrealistic expectation. I own a very real part of myself that may not be received well by others. And moreover, I'm quite certain you've seen parts of me that have turned you off. How judgmental of me to label you from the beginning. You've read me write it before, how we are who we are at our worst, and you read me share a confrontation I had with Adan's opponents mom on my blog awhile back, exposing exactly who I am. But in case you were still wondering, I am a woman who falls short, every single day. I am a woman who struggles with moving on from first impressions. I am a woman who struggles with witnessing others interactions and then finding a healthy and appropriate way to deal with it. I remember reading a print a while back about how one of the best things you can do for your marriage is to stop taking the negativity towards others, of others to your husband. How speaking ill of someone to your husband, even if just to vent, invites him to partake. Truth is, I do it because I want validation for my feelings. I want others to feel what I feel. I want audible feedback and joint justification for choosing to feel like I do. I am approaching it all wrong, my first vent belongs to God, those feelings, issues and judgments that I carry around, are begging to be laid at His feet. He should be my ultimate soundboard, He is my ultimate soundboard. But if I was being at all honest with myself, I would also have to share that in surrendering my feelings, invites conviction and realistically may be the sole reason I am slow to approach. Because I know that I will realize that my methods are wrong, acknowledge that I need to change them and move on from the grief of observation. You see, once I hand it over I know what's coming. And why would I want anything else? I should be running to God when I'm tormented or bothered. But this is where my flesh and spirit find its most common battle, and where my global issues truly live. In my heart I know that in visiting with Him about this or anything else, pointing me to forgiveness, mine and His, will be the end result. And why in the world would I want anything else? 

So as I close this month long prayer time, I am going to add a specific request for myself, I'm going to ask that God continue to let me see, because seeing is not the problem; but that He continue to let me see maybe what others don't. I am going to ask that He lend me His eyes when I find myself focusing on the flaws and realize that everyone else is falling short as well. 

My blog serves as my journal, and I used to add pictures of my family often, then I started doing more and more photography, and that became a prime ending focus for my posts. And what better time than now, with this post, to reignite the best part of who I am.

This sweet angel turned 7 on May 14th. He is sweet. He is sensitive. He is loving. He is growing up way too fast.
The older he gets, the less involved I am getting with his birthday "hoopla", mostly because he doesn't want parties at home anymore, and most places don't allow for a ton of "hoopla". He wanted Hulk and he wanted TopGolf, then I showed him the invite and he changed his mind to Jumpstreet. I love to personalize goodies for the friends, and I'm not NOT gonna do that, so they all got Hulk Tees with their names on 'em. The logo was found here and I enlarged it on a program I use, added the names, bought Iron on paper from Hobby Lobby...ironed them on...and viola!

See? I mean Hulk had a golf club and everything...
...that boy, he'll never know what his momma does for him! But I'm not complaining, I'd do, will do, anything for those boys.

Any part of me that is good is because of my Heavenly Father and these 3 humans. As I left for work last night and circled around front, this was my view. They are perfect and I can't believe I'm fortunate enough to call them my family.

Belong...

I had one girlfriend message me on Facebook, regarding my post from last week. She mentioned very real and personal struggles that she was having in her role as a mom. Feelings that I can say with 100% certainty, I have had, and am almost certain you have too. They consume her thoughts, they invite doubt in her role as a mom and welcome insecurity as a woman. We spoke about how she is not alone in her feelings, and I too suffer at the expense of my own self worth. She is my first prayer in the morning, and throughout the day, when she pops in my head, I pray for her. It has been a pleasure, and I will continue doing it for the rest of the month. This weekend many of you got the chance to celebrate the privilege that is being a mom. It is hard. There is no way to prepare you for the role. You can be educated, you can read up and you can have the best support system in town, at your beck and call, but nothing can actually truly prepare you for the role. I don't like to think of memories before my kids because it doesn't feel right, to think of my life before them. Marcus and I will look at our kids, and have conversations about how there is no way that people love their kids like we do, because we love them so much. I'll often times have similar conversations with my own mom about that topic. I'll mention the notion that she couldn't have possibly loved me like I love the boys. She'll call me out on my ignorance, and remind me that she not only did, but does. Why did I get this blessed? How in the world did I get to live here, be born here and be loved so greatly by two amazing parents, grow up without a need, marry an amazing man and then have the gift to raise two children of my own? How, why...? Sometimes, when I get caught up in that type of thinking, my flesh runs with it. I accept the camouflage, and somehow allow myself to believe that it is a good thing, and that somehow it will lead to gratitude, demonstratively. The reality is, it is not. Satan is the biggest illusionist of all, and many times he has me fooled. Questioning God's plan for my life thus far and wondering why in the world I am not suffering like so many, is just as much of an insult to Him, as when I question why in the world so many actually are. When He placed it in my heart to lead this month in a mommy dedicated prayer time, He already knew about my friend, and how she would read my blog and lean on me for that. He already knew that it would be in those moments of her opening up to me, that I would see myself in her. He already knew that every morning when I went to Him in prayer that I would be at my weakest because I would be completely and utterly relying on Him, depending on Him, for the words coming out of my mouth. And He already knew that this time of prayer would open up my heart to the promise that if I can trust Him with the needs of my friend, and trust Him to help her in the most important role she will ever have, then I too should trust Him enough to just be grateful for how I got here. Don't you see...I was hand picked, and so were you. 

Ladies, my fellow sisters, lovers of your children, fighters in this land for a better place to leave your offspring, women of heart and soul...YOU are Beloved!

Happy Mother's Day!

Ps, I would still love an opportunity to add you to my mommy daily dedication prayer this month, not too late! (message me, email me, or send me a text)

Forming...

I have been doing this parenting thing for a few years now, and it has not gotten any easier. In fact, I believe the older they get, the harder it becomes. I will let my mind take me to some pretty scary places if I let it. The other day I got to thinking about my children, and what their future will be like; their wives, their children, their old age. Truth is, I think about it often. I have always prayed for my children's future. In all areas of their life. But lately, the weight of their wives has been extra heavy. So I pray for them, even now. What does that look like? Well, I just ask that God would mold their wives for them, starting now. I ask God to send them loving, patient, kind, honest, genuine and caring women to partner through their life. I ask God to send them women who are of same faith, women who will pursue Him alone, and can then pursue Him too, with my sons. I also ask that my boys would know when to fall in love, and to only give their heart away to the right woman, the woman they will marry. I know that it has to be enough, that it is enough, prayer. And quite frankly, it is the best thing that I can do for them. But sometimes I let my mind go there, to the unwelcome yet haunting inevitable, potential time where we are all headed. I see them, in their old age, alone, wifeless and childless, and it kills me. Before I even have the chance to ponder the question, I am reminded of the answer. The one that lives inside of me and pretends to not exist, pacifying my incessant need to control everything. My steps, our steps are marked, and so are my thoughts, and even when I find myself veering off into a thought process that does not belong to Him, I'm shielded. And that shield comes in the form of my fellow, Christ loving, mom friends. It's familiar, their response; because I have been here before. I hear it living in the replies of my parents advice, when I emotionally breakdown and share my insecurities as a parent; because I have been here before. But I am also stubborn. My own selfish human desire seeks it anyways. It, the want for my children to have a wonderful long, happy life, never wanders far. I'm not going to lie, trusting my heavenly Father to bring forth a will that I too will rejoice in, is hard. How in the world can I trust that deeply when it comes to my own children? Well...they are not mine. They do not belong to me. I often find that God will teach me some of my most important lessons through an internal struggle that comes in the form of a third party. I am compassionate, and suffer greatly at the hands of others' sadness. I am at the forefront of their turmoil, internalize it, carry it, give it to God, and through His resolve, I'm shown that the lesson truly lies with me. And I'm awakened with the thought of what my prayer should be truly focused on, when referencing my kids. It's just that I can sometimes be my own worst enemy, and will allow the fog to distract me from emmulating the only type of catalyst I should be focused on. And that my friends is love. Love is what God does best. Love is what Jesus was. And in the end, love is what will win.

Is it as hard for you as it is for me? Do you think about your kids future like I do? Are you afraid for what they will face when they get older, or is it just me?

I am beginning a specific daily dedication to prayer for myself and anyone else who needs it, focusing on mothering. If you are a mom that is struggling with something, and need help or want help, can I pray for you? You do not need to believe in prayer, because I do and I will go to God for you. I would love to have the opportunity to love on you through prayer. Please either comment below, text me or send me an email.

resting...

I can't believe that this year has succumbed to it's end already. I have no idea where the time has gone. I can't quite remember if I read it or overheard someone say it, but it has been living in my mind for the past few months..."If you are an adult, and you aren't tired, you aren't doing it right!" And lately, nothing has rang more true in my life than that. I mean, it made it's way onto our Christmas card, well sort of. As the holidays approach, I am reminded that although I am looking forward to the time with my family, there are so many people who will be alone on Christmas and New Years. What can I do to make that less prevalent of an issue? How can I contribute a part of myself to aid in someone else's loneliness? I'm not quite sure. Adan had a great idea a couple of years ago. He wanted to bake cookies, fill a large jug with hot chocolate and pass it around to people who don't have anything to eat. Unfortunately, for a couple of years now I have encouraged the idea, but never followed through on it. This year will be different. On his break from school, we will be doing just that. We will bake cookies, fill the jug with hot chocolate and drive over to the hospital district south of Dallas passing out goodies and passing out the love of Jesus. There is something to be said about the simplicity in a child's thinking. The solution is so concrete, yet for us adults, navigating through such simplicity can handicap us. I have found that if you enter a situation with the intent to find your answer, in most cases, you will. Searching for what may be missing in your life isn't any different. Many of you, especially as the holidays approach, find yourself in a place that is dark. You put on that brave face every single day, put one foot in front of the other because that is what is burned into your heart, yet you still can't fill the void. I have been there, in that dark place. I may not have known the place existed at 7, but the decision I made so long ago did in fact allow for an easier transition into resolve when the darkness came later. Where do you think that ingrained desire to be better, to want more, to be complete comes from? It comes from God. I pray that as you finish out this year, you will open your heart to the promise of concrete simplicity, placing that handicap we keep so comfortable at bay, in His hands. Merry Christmas folks, may you be happy and may you find a real peace this season.

This was the first time I ever photographed such a large group, and I was terrified beyond prepared. They were sweet, they were fun, energetic and they made me feel like I could accomplish the task. I hope you enjoy these few faves below...