resting...

I can't believe that this year has succumbed to it's end already. I have no idea where the time has gone. I can't quite remember if I read it or overheard someone say it, but it has been living in my mind for the past few months..."If you are an adult, and you aren't tired, you aren't doing it right!" And lately, nothing has rang more true in my life than that. I mean, it made it's way onto our Christmas card, well sort of. As the holidays approach, I am reminded that although I am looking forward to the time with my family, there are so many people who will be alone on Christmas and New Years. What can I do to make that less prevalent of an issue? How can I contribute a part of myself to aid in someone else's loneliness? I'm not quite sure. Adan had a great idea a couple of years ago. He wanted to bake cookies, fill a large jug with hot chocolate and pass it around to people who don't have anything to eat. Unfortunately, for a couple of years now I have encouraged the idea, but never followed through on it. This year will be different. On his break from school, we will be doing just that. We will bake cookies, fill the jug with hot chocolate and drive over to the hospital district south of Dallas passing out goodies and passing out the love of Jesus. There is something to be said about the simplicity in a child's thinking. The solution is so concrete, yet for us adults, navigating through such simplicity can handicap us. I have found that if you enter a situation with the intent to find your answer, in most cases, you will. Searching for what may be missing in your life isn't any different. Many of you, especially as the holidays approach, find yourself in a place that is dark. You put on that brave face every single day, put one foot in front of the other because that is what is burned into your heart, yet you still can't fill the void. I have been there, in that dark place. I may not have known the place existed at 7, but the decision I made so long ago did in fact allow for an easier transition into resolve when the darkness came later. Where do you think that ingrained desire to be better, to want more, to be complete comes from? It comes from God. I pray that as you finish out this year, you will open your heart to the promise of concrete simplicity, placing that handicap we keep so comfortable at bay, in His hands. Merry Christmas folks, may you be happy and may you find a real peace this season.

This was the first time I ever photographed such a large group, and I was terrified beyond prepared. They were sweet, they were fun, energetic and they made me feel like I could accomplish the task. I hope you enjoy these few faves below...

a revolving door...

For my entire life the past few weeks, I have been mentally resisting my usual mantra where my personality has sat so comfortably. Look, I know we all grow and we can come into experiences that change who we are, I know that. It has however, taken the better part of my brain to establish a covenant with my heart and allow for an evolving thought to be accepted. The climax of that thought produced the realization that I am not as much of a people person as I thought I was. I have been faking it, for quite some time, all of my life maybe. I do not enjoy the get to know you phase, at all. I want to skip it, and just get real with people, like right off the bat. Why can't we all just do that? Like feel the vibe out, and if you feel me and I feel you, then bam! Instant friendship. Then I had a thought. What if it is that way? What if everyone applies that process already, and I have consistently year after year, season after season, been weeded out? It's obvious I know, my outgoing personality, that is not a secret. But what if I have been compensating for the potential lack of initial "reach out" from others? The only thing I do know is that I am tired of the game. So stinking TIRED. The older I get the more okay I am with just letting that struggle with intimacy go...I think. You have read me write how much I struggle with getting the love back, and I need to move on! I mean it, I am so sick and tired of being spoken about in light and then not being treated as such. I am fulfilled in many other areas of my life, through my husband, my children and most importantly the Lord, so why can't my mind negotiate with my heart on a more consistent basis? If it did, it would produce an outcome worthy of change. Truth is, I have felt the shift, personally and professionally, and I don't really have much of a choice but to be okay with it. Don't get me wrong, I am not committing myself to silence and reverting to pantomime communication, but if you see me "disengaged", know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, I'm just not playing the game anymore. 

This sweet family has about the most gentle aura I've ever been around. And taking their pictures was beyond my pleasure. Here are a few of my faves.

this small piece of information is always left out...

I'm pretty overdue, again, and didn't realize how much until I logged on and realized that it had been in the beginning of April since I had posted last.  I remember posting a while back that this blogging thing didn't need an official rule regarding what to post and when to post, however, my tune is changing, and I think it is time to dedicate a certain time to write, because if not then I will be so backed up it will cause me pains.  The kind of pains I'm experiencing now, physical pains, in my belly.  I have been trying to make poo poo for a week or so now, and although success is truly in the eye of the beholder, a form of the constipation has surfaced, but I feel a true turd brewing, and the anticipation is killing me.  I chugged a shot of prune juice this morning in hopes...of...but again, total let down.  Oh well, I musn't rush these things, I incessantly ask God to help me with patience, and maybe this is the climax of our private class time.

I have had a pretty busy month, relatively, I mean some peoples busy is another persons lazy, and let's face it, we all know how lazy I am, so basically I have been pretty mediocre this month.  With that said, after Easter, Marcus and I decided that mediocre regarding our finances isn't the way to live, any longer...emphasis on the any longer.  We both make way too much money to be living the way we do.  Our savings account should be 30 Gs deep, and let's just say that IT AIN'T.  Marcus handles our money, and he is spreadsheet happy, and has had our budget in check forever, but as most, we don't really follow it, and are swipe happy.  We decided to do "cash envelopes", in theory of course, because who has envelopes anymore?  I mean everything is electronic these days, sheesh.  Except for when we actually followed through on the plan, sweet Marcus put a clip around the remaining grocery money and looked at me all defeated, kinda like those puppies when they head nod stare at you.  Well, he looked at me and said, "sorry, I couldn't find any envelopes", lol, I was dying inside, he is too much.  Not so much because he was sweet enough to think we actually needed the envelopes to be OFFICIAL, or because he was looking forward to labeling each one "groceries", "gas", "extras", but because just as a dog owner would scratch those ears and caudal their pet in observation of the head nod, I too followed suit, except my pet was Marcus and it was more of a tush pinch, slap on the butt kinda thing, just sayn.  Truth it and behold it, right?  Testimony time.  No?  Just me?   Too bad, your gonna hear it anyways.  Marcus is handy, beyond handy, I'm not gonna bore you again with how so, but needless to say, he had someone give him a lawn mower a while back because it was broken, it was aesthetically new looking just not working.  He fixed it, like he does everything, and has been trying to sell it, about as aggressively as putting a sign on it and pushing it on the lawn...no, seriously.  And it hasn't.  About the only discipline that we have regarding money is our tythe.  It is the first check we write always, right off the bat, right off the top.  However again, discipline with the remaining is a joke, A BIG FAT UGLY OVERWEIGHT JOKE.  On that note, why do I always reference the fat?  Anyways, immediately after Easter, we planned on starting the cash envelopes, but didn't.  Two weeks later, we actually did, and we are just shy of completing the last few days of those two weeks.  Like most normal people, I hope, when you budget expenses you allow for "extras" like getting a flat, and having to buy a new tire, or a large ER copay, etc...  And we did, but went over, and had to shuffle our grocery money to make it, and we have enough left over and would have been fine, but the good Lord sometimes just needs to show up, and He did.  I got home from my moms this evening, and as I pulled up I saw that dang lawn mower sitting on the lawn.  I go in, take a shower and walk outside looking for my boys, and see them walking up, and I tell Marcus, "you know, if you really wanted to sell that, you should really think about putting it on Craigs List", and he agreed of course, because I'm always right.  Just kidding.  We come in, BBQ up some steaks and he walks in to get more of them from thawing out, taking extra long.  He walks out and says, "man, God is so good", and I'm all like, "duh".  He was taking so long because someone bought the lawn mower, and he was so happy.  As was I, because we were just discussing how we were cutting it close with the cash, and how we really didn't want to have to move anything into checking that we had already put into savings.  On that note, does anyone else pay themselves first?  The bigger lesson for me wasn't the fact that God provided in the clinch, or that when you give to God first (i.e.. tythe), He will always bless you, or that I had just spoken the Craigs List statement, and He was all "shoot, you don't need Craigs List, I am Craig"...it was more of the fact that even though we are always responsible with tything, we are not always responsible with the remaining money He gives us, and these two weeks we were, almost as if to say "hey, I gotcha, good job".  Take it as you want, read it and shrug it off, but I believe in the non cosmic, non coincidental, always purposeful, holy and ever present supplier that is my God.

My husband, working it

Overdue seems to be the theme these days, and this tree had it coming

Safety first, at least that's what Dora says

I was dying...simply dying

Paige is the best...can't get better friends than her

Three days later, and intense instruction following...viola

One mans face paint...

...is another girls birthday...

...and this boys chance to eat cake

DAI's first annual 3v3 bball

So Proud

pull it off...

So many of the most overused phrases around have been formulating road blocks in my mind.  Those cliches that make the eye roll, the ones that make you gag a bit when you hear them have been buying up all kinds of stock in my brain.  My confidence is quite the curve ball.  It often depends on what mood I'm in, and who I am surrounded with.  Definitely not something that I care to admit, but a little to late to state any different.  To give somebody or some situation that much control over my questionable happiness is a trait I believe worthy of screaming about, the kind of scream that leaves not only your mouth, but wishfully your soul all the same.  I have been trying for sometime to be happy all by myself.  One way or another we are going to face the nemesis we like to call the alter, that ego we frequent when we don't want to reveal who we just might really be.  Do you ever live there, in those moments of turning emotionally into somebody else because it is easier to expel yourself and blame the raw organic existence on your alter ego?  I believe we visit this movement because it is more appealing to have a cattiness with self, than to actually face the present life experience.  Sometimes simplicity and generosity run purposefully close.  Happiness should grow on the back of intention, resolving our own improper use of guilt.  I'm not quite convinced this is a good thing.  I'm quite ambivalent actually, but resolve myself to the possibility of admitting there might be a cluster of unaware safety nets, in the wrong place, vengefully awaiting to absolve me from my own boobie trap of ridicule.  But sometimes deciding to face the choice you made is only the result of not having anything else to think about.

I was so afraid the other morning.  I was afraid that I would commit to the above in the wrong way.  I prayed that as I sat at church Easter morning, the guilt that I had would be appropriately lifted, by my intent to be happy for He had risen.  That when I bowed my head in prayer to my Heavenly Father, it would be out of my hearts simple wish to be close to His ever growing, over flowing generous existence. Remember my epiphany at church at the end of last year?  Well, I found an even better way to share it.  Remember my specific request for a teacher as a pastor?  Well, I found an even better way to share what I mean when I say that teaching a congregation is an enormous responsibility and should be done by vividly explaining the scripture.  You will have to spare a little bit of time to understand fully, but it was at the end of this sermon when I felt the Holy Spirit tell me "nothing has changed".  And it hasn't, nothing has changed, we are still a people patiently waiting, the only thing that is different is the amount of time that has passed.

It was around minute 31:53 where I "oh'd" audibly, and was like, "nothing has changed, we are still waiting for His return" http://vimeo.com/33911318

Our church had planned two very large egg hunts, however the weather did not allow, and the sweet wet church ladies had to go and pick up all the eggs they had hidden because it started to rain as the service was ending...I quickly snatched a bag and handed the eggs out to our family, and Adan went to each of us for an egg treat...oh yea, and with all the extra time, he gave us the grand tour of his school...he was so happy to be the leader we followed

He seems to accommodate me often, and I just snap as often has he allows

After we shoved our faces with food, we shoved some eggs over heads

...and then we shoved eggs in our baskets





 



time can be your friend...

This is my space. This tiny 8.5 x 11 "sheet", and I guess depending on how much I got to say, it can definitely be larger, but I think you get the idea, is all mine. I get to fill it up as I choose.

I wasn't always a Christian. I was born of flesh, lived as flesh without knowing any different. I gave my life to the Lord when I was a little girl. I was at church with my family, and they excused the kids to children's church and I didn't want to go. So I stayed with my parents. They played a video and I watched it. At the end, they had what is commonly known as a time of invitation, and I nudged my mom and told her I wanted to go up to the front because I wanted to accept Jesus. Long story short, I did that evening and later committed to baptism. I chose to follow God out of fear because I didn't want to be left behind, like the video showed. I was scared and wanted to go with God. A lot of my life after that has been reliving that moment in my head. I actually at times doubted if the reasoning for my commitment was enough. What does a little girl know about God and His son Jesus? And do you know what kills me...what I most fondly remember?...the fear I felt. I don't remember the love, I don't remember the desire, the coming to Jesus moment everyone later speaks of, I don't remember that. I knew what choice I had made, I even remember being baptized when I was a little older. Could I really appreciate and totally understand what Jesus had done for me? Probably not. Now as an adult, and having been very lucky to grow in Gods word through the bible, I understand the love, I understand the desire that God wanted in marrying His existence with mine.

When you become a parent, your child has no clue what kind of sacrifices you would make for them, nothing will stop you from being supportive, loving, understanding and an unconditional support for them. Your child on the other hand has no clue what substantial amount of love there is for them, all they know is that someone is always there for them, providing for them and protecting them. It's that simple and that basic. The older they get, the more they begin to see and understand. That same growth in learning for my worldy parents I eventually had and understood is ultimately the same growth in learning that I have had for my Heavenly Father. That same promise He had for me as a little girl exists still, and is alive in me. Now as a grown up I understand that the fear I had in me wasn't the kind of fear where you're backed into a corner and forced to choose, or else, however the fear was rooted in the possibility that I could be forever without Him.

As I've mentioned before in other posts, I am a very, VERY picky when it comes to public speaking and especially when it comes to picking a church, I need a certain type of speaker behind the pulpit. Just a personal preference, and in case you're wondering my speaker of choice is expository. I never knew that it was called that, all I knew was that I really enjoy when a pastor preaches from the bible, chronologically and references present day to make it relateable. I am not a fan of, what I like to call "topic" preachers, those that pick a topic to preach about, then go and find versus in the bible to support it. If you are familiar with the word of God, there are many staple statements, popular to mention a few and many, infinite amounts really, that need the preface to see the picture and point in its entirety. Our generation, present company included of course, have become a breeding of casual Christians, and no true accountability exists within our pastors. The obligation to lead a church and its people is one to not be taken lightly and used as a never ending opportunity of teach. I think that is why I feel so strongly about their gift to have the attention of many and to take stories in its entirety and TEACH it chronologically. The bible is His commandments for us and it should be used as our only reference.

I called my dad last night because I couldn't remember for the life of me where this particular verse in the bible was, I remember being in Sunday school as a kid, and then even older and hearing this particular verse as well. I've even heard it preached from the pulpit. It is a common one at that, but I couldn't remember where it was and I can always count on my dad to know. I also just didn't want to put this verse out there and then not give a proper set up. It's the new testament, and Jesus is in the thick of it with His disciples. In this particular portion in this chapter the disciples are asking Jesus, who will rank highest when in heaven. You have to understand the foundation of who Christ is, He was sent to earth to teach and to be the ultimate salvation, in the time where he was immersed with His disciples they were extremely inquisitive and came into contact with situations that gave Jesus the perfect platform to inform them and teach them. This was one of those times. So they asked Him who will be the greatest in the kingdom of heaven,

And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, and said, "Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."
Matthew 18:2-4 NASB

I challenge you to read this to see what Jesus was truly saying. I have the New American Standard Version, but there are many to choose from, that however is what I like and in reading, it's easier for me to comprehend.

I was just telling my dad yesterday as we found it, him really, that in my search for it, I read over a few chapters in John thinking it was in there, and man, MAN...I forget how alive the bible becomes when I read it. I am one of those casual Christians that needs a kick in the face for taking advantage of what God has done for me, shame on me. I don't need to question my commitment made as a little girl. What I need to do, is truly be grateful that I accepted the simplicity of Gods love and remember that it was my innocence as a child that brought me to His lap.

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