dead end to no end...

There comes a time in one's life when you are truly held accountable for where you are in your life. Well, truth is, you should always be accountable. But sometimes it isn't as obvious as one would think. Sometimes it's a faint brush of air that suddenly allows you to shift your axis and see that the weight has been off center. I got whiplash recently from the absolute submersion of motherhood and all that it means...to not only exist in the role, but to be successful at it. It's hard, y'all. This gig is drowning sometimes. I am my weakest link. And when I'm drowning, I'm taking my kids with me. Leaving them no true lifeguard and showing them that treading water is enough, when we all know basic swimming can safe a life! I hate that about myself. To say and to know when you are in the wrong is one thing, but to snap yourself out of it and to completely put the nonsense to a stop, is crucial. Sometimes I can't see it, when it's happening, and sometimes I can. Marcus can jolt me, when he's around. But the most damaging of times is when I'm alone, and my own conviction guides my compass but I knowingly ignore it because my selfish desire takes precedent...and it's stupid, it's irresponsible and it's detrimental to who I'm molding and encouraging my children to be. I have said it out loud. It exists, and I share it with you. Because if you struggle to be a mom you can be proud of, me too! I started a new quiet time focusing on what I like to call, "my mental mommy thinking", and the major overhaul it needs. I came across this book, that aligns itself beautifully with scripture, and it has been helping me to give GRACE! Somehow, I expect God to forgive me on the insurmountable errors I make, yet I expect near flawless children all of the time some of the time.

So...

I thought I'd share what the first few days of my reading have taught me, in hopes that maybe they can help you too. When you are at your wits, with rising tides and the treading of water has crippled your ability to swim, fogging your goggles...Remember, in the beginning, God!

1. I have never taken this job for granted, except that I have. Does that make sense?! I recognize, almost daily, sometimes through tears at the most inopportune times, how incredibly blessed I am to have two healthy, sweet boys. But that job, as much of a gift that it is, is work, hard work. Work that has been thought of, designed and made possible by God. He was there before it, there awaiting you until you arrived in it, and now patiently awaiting your request for help getting you through it.
1. Genesis 1:1 "In the beginning, God..."
1. I have let my short comings dictate how I behave in situations with my kids for far too long. I'm committed to changing how I am with them, escorting those dangerous faults of mine into the hands of my Creator, because that's where they belong. 
2. Some of my biggest down falls as a mom have been the things I tell myself about my kids when they're getting on my nerves just being children, and testing the boundaries for growth. I support my feelings of disappointment with negative thoughts, provide myself with elaborate power point presentations to solidify their actions and justify my warranted outbursts of punishment. It can take up major real estate in my mind, it then bleeds into my heart and I'm done. Satan has officially won.
1. Phillipians 4:8 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
1. It's my job to fill them with such things, period. Even through discipline, the underlying foundation of all things should be LOVE(ing).
2. Plant a seed of trust and water it with words of admiration while they are young, and I dare say that when they are grown, they will flourish into what we believed they were all along. -Parenting Scripts

I am overwhelmed.
I am hopeful.
I am fervent.

H A P P Y  V A L E N T I N E ' S  D A Y, everyone!

May your homes and hearts be filled with so much love today, and every day that follows. This holiday is silly, but it sure does give us an opportunity to go overboard in showing those who are in our life, LOVE! And my kiddos have been given the opportunity to do just that, in school. It's kind of my favorite thing to do for them. I get input from them, they yes/no, pick out, turn down and then I take it from there.

Adan is in 3rd grade and they have been studying measurements, hence the ruler. I got the idea from here and fashioned my own printables using my trusty helper. Luca is in preschool for the first time ever, and he has been learning how to write his name, along with the alphabet, hence the pencil. His valentine is on repeat, it was similar to one I did for Adan in first grade, but who's counting?!

Close up! #dying

Aren't they cute?! #dyingagain

oops, I forgot to do this first

I have been song jumping like a mother lately.  I mean jumping hard.  Why?  I get into these stretches of emotional dumping and music tends to carry a wondrous canopy, and I tend to fit snuggly beneath it.  If I could add runs of melodious sound to my writing, I'm convinced I'd see you jump into my life harness free.  I struggle with the amount of love that I give away.  Why can't I get the love back?  Is it because I carry a tiny print disclaimer that isn't necessarily visible, however hidden in the fine lines of my face, ironed into the lining of my brain and etched into the desires of my heart?  I have been blog free for a few weeks now, and it has created an anxiety in me that I haven't felt before.  It was a stress to provide quality, filter free and raw life moments that I have recently had, then find a clever way to share them.  Is that stupid?  I can answer that!  Yes, yes it is.  I find myself searching for something on a level that isn't nearly comparable to what I have in real life, real time and real now.  It's pathetic the amount of energy I give the "lacks" in my life, when it's so obvious that I have the abundance below.

We were invited to dinner with the Zitouni's, friends of ours, some weeks ago, and everything placed before us was from scratch...and everything put in front of us, we ATE

Baby Zitouni's with baby Adan

Funny thing, after we ate this...

...she brought out this...and then that yummy tart-see above...in addition to opulent other desserts.  Did I mention all from scratch?

We went to a pretty amazing place, also, a few weeks ago, and my husband got major kudos for coordinating the whole trip.  Adan loved it, and I'm pretty sure, if you have children, they will too.

Who I have become

What we got to do

Who I got to spend time with

Things we got to observe

Shooting took a new form

Participating in this little guys experiences never gets old

Fresh off of a 5 night shift stretch, I got the crazy idea that I needed to handmake all of Adan's Valentine's for his school...so where does a momma go when she needs a crafty make shift thingy mabob?  Pinterest, duh...
and this place made it super easy to accomplish!

Pencils, pencils and pencils galore...

...oh yea, and rolos, kisses and cardstock oh my!