cutting against the grain...

I wish that I could name names on this blog.  I wish I could out all the people who have done me wrong and humiliate them with what is my rotting heart of broken pieces.  But I am not.  I may be many things...bold, audacious, obnoxious, cold, brave, rude, fearless, blunt, honest.  But I will never and I mean never go where I am not invited or solicited.  With that said.  I know you, I have heard you and more importantly I have seen you. 

Love is the most powerful force this world has ever known.  I love.  I love too much even.  I love so much, that the same love I give has the ability to hurt me more than I have ever known.  I wish so badly that I knew how to love and not hurt.  I am certain of only a few things.  My love has the power to mold my son.  My love has the power to encourage my son.  My love has the power to engage my son.  My love has the power to embrace my son and show him how to love himself.  So that when he gets older, he will not ever have to rely on others for what his mommy places so much stock in.  So that when he grows up, he will know his strengths and have so much confidence in himself, that he will not look for others to lift him up.  My love is that strong, and so is yours.  I hope and pray that the love you have within you, can be carried and given at the cost of nothing and at the expense of only what you can afford to be without.  I have been challenged and my strength is weak and my weakness is defaulted to love.  What was once my pride and joy, has now become my nemesis.  I am tired of the war and hope to find refuge in the arms of something equal to what I thought comforted me in the beginning, and now I see never really did.  It has been said that your children don't learn what you tell them, but what you show them.  That it is what they see that resignates more than what they hear.  I hope that these images will stay with my son forever, and when he revisits these memories he will know what love really is.

 

I know you know how important having friends is, but man, if it ain't expensive too, then I don't know what is.  Good thing Noah's daddy got himself a good job, because these kids party's get more and more costly the older and "friendly" they get.  Happy Birthday Mocho!

My husband...the redo'er of everything.  He is magnificent.  I know he knows that I think he is, but just in case he happens to be a loyal reader, Marcus, you are magnificent.  And I know you put up with a lot being married to me, so know that I know you are just about the best thing that could have happened to me and I am seriously very lucky to have you on my team.  I love you for all that you do for our home, our lives and our son.

KJ, welp, this girls getting married, and will be the 3rd wedding Paige and I will attend together, jeez!  Nonetheless, this young lady had about a zillion bachelorette parties, and she was kind enough to let her coworkers throw her one too.  We love you boo, can't wait till June 1st.

This bugga boo is growing up way too fast.  He is on the eve of everything and I just can't deal with it.  He has been asking since he could ask, to play a sport, "like on a team" he would say, forever.  We didn't think they could start earlier than 4, but then we got wind to the fact that they could, oops.  Anywho, Tball is the season, and Adan is happy and so are we.

Have you met my son?  In case you haven't, he is a superhero.  It was a bit of a challenge this year to do his party because he is into so many of them...the Hulk, Superman, Batman, any and all of the Avengers, especially Ironman, and so I had to result to Pinterest, again, for help.  And what I came up with was a generic form of a superhero party, and I think it was a big success.  I made/sewed a cape for each child out of towels, monogrammed of course, because I just love for each kid to feel special.  And the rest of the decorations, well, pretty self explanatory and visible.  Happy Birthday Adan, we love you so much!

I had to work Mother's Day, but luckily as you all know, I work nights.  All I wanted was to do absolutely nothing, and spend my day at home with my family, sleep in and stay in my PJ's until the time came to leave for work.  Marcus and Adan made me breakfast (Adan's favorite thing to do is crack the eggs in the pan, so he was real excited to tell me he made the eggs), and gave me a homemade card.  I took a nap with my little man, Marcus did laundry and packed me a lunch and then...I was off.  It was all I could have asked for and it was just perfect.

My My, already at wedding number 2.  My My, already with Paige again, at wedding number 2.  This wedding was seriously the funnest one that I have been to in a long time.  Yup, it was that kind of fun.  Katie and Randyn have been together for 12 years and they got married yesterday, and we were lucky enough to witness it.  Lake Travis ain't ever seen the white folk get down like that. 

Favorite Quote of the Night:
Me: "What, I thought only us Mexicans did that?"
(after the MC announced the dollar dance was seconds away)
Katie: "Nope, white people want money too" (then quickly chugs her vodka sprite and runs to dance floor)

 

 



would it be fair to say...

I was running the other day and I was thinking about some stuff.  Profound stuff.  The kind of stuff I wish I had an opportunity to write down.  I just wish I had a tiny computer in my brain, so that when somewhat important things come up and my hands are otherwise occupied, my thoughts would find a way onto paper.  Now all I have is the memory of my thoughts, and as hard as I try to regurgitate it, I can't.  I'm a little annoyed because what I remember most isn't so much the context of it all. Nope, no literary recall in this noggin, however the way that I was feeling when I was processing my thinking.  I was happy.  Highfiving my mental self. Slapping my minds bottom with an addagirl sting. Does that happen to you?  Do you have those moments when you are driving and you align so perfectly with the universe that you wish the steering wheel was an audience of thousands so that your anticipated applause would be solidification in mental synchrony with those listening to you?  It happens to me all the time. I just wish so badly that I could find a way to recall those moments.  Is that wasteful and unnecessary wishful thinking?  I mean, is it really that important for you to know that I am capable of more than just coffee table banter?  Sometimes I feel the pressure of more, more than just the responsibility of the human to human interaction that we are all accustomed to. My incessant need to make others understand me has at times overpowered my sanity, and I'm real tired of setting the record straight. Why do I feel it's my responsibility anyways? If I had the power to do more than just walk around with these tiny mental orgasms and actually put them to good use I might actually be worth something.  The sad part is, we are all capable of this.  We walk around daily with explosions of clarity that have the strength to cut the air we breath.  And sometimes, we cut the air so hard that we end up creating a sound wave that will hurt anyone within our personal radius. I am not condoning violence by any means, but sometimes creating a scar in someone will leave a reminder that our interaction was more meaningful now that it lingers within them externally.  And maybe the warranted infection that is coming will evolve into their new desire to salvage the remaining breathable air we both share. With that said, I believe it is time for me to share with you what has been going on in my life the past couple of months. And I promise that it yields no danger!

I have been struggling with what to do with these chairs that Marcus' aunt had given us a while back.  And deep down I think I always knew, however couldn't really trust anyone with my vision, except this place. They not only took care of business, but knocked that sucker outta the park people.

Adan's sweet little preschool had a fundraiser and got the kiddos to get involved. How?  Well, by riding their bikes all around town around the gym, that's where!

Friday Funight...again!  This time we decided to put our brilliant minds to good use.  That's right, we tore it up with Latin cuisine, and then danced our pretty little paws off, well, some more than others ;-)

Adan and a classmate have really hit it off.  I mean, they look for each other when the other arrives at school, they spend countless time comparing each others sneakers, and recently we got to celebrate Eli's birthday. And let's just say, these kiddos weren't the only ones having a good time.

Oh my sweet KJ! I just love her to pieces, and it's her wedding invite that has thrown me over the edge this summer.  I believe I have hit a record with invites, and I have never been more happy to attend one couples nuptials more than these two.  We celebrated with green beer and banter, oh yea and maybe a little dress up!

The Winton Ranch had their annual St. Patty's day party.  Insert here my anger for not snapping any parade pics, but I was stranded on one side of the fence this year and my remaining family was on the other, so sans the time stoppers of our glorious newly named "Dallas" St. Patrick's Day Parade.

I was all Magnum PI the day Adan has his school egg hunt.  I mean, incognito.  Kinda proud of myself too, especially since his school wife, classmate almost ratted me out.  It was sweet, planned out and just perfect to get to see.

This kicked off our wedding season, and may I just say, it not only set the bar for the other 3 we have left, but it was just a complete blessing to witness.  In case you don't know, Marcus' side of the family has always been so much fun, and this celebration was no exception.  Congratulations Marisela and Alex! PS. my son is a dancing machine, that is all.

Paige.  She's my best friend. I love her. And if I never see her again after this summer, I might not be that sad, jk. And if it's not bad enough that we have every wedding to attend to the next few months together, we decided to take a girls trip to Puerto Rico and hook up with an old buddy. Aaron and Claudia have undoubtedly, unequivocally kicked everyone's ass when it comes to hospitality.  Remember when I told you the amount of struggle I carry with the lack of love I get back? Well these two not only exceeded my/our expectations on how to host but they loved us so much, I learned that expecting nothing and receiving everything is sweeter when it comes from way deep inside your heart.  These two sweet friends of ours rock, and I MEAN ROCK!!!

 

  

say what...

Nobody is perfect.  I know that, you know that, we all know that.  Or do we?  It's obvious to some that the coating on the outside is just that, coating.  I carry one heck of a coating.  Turns out, so does everyone around me.  We all have one.  Some of you coat shinny.  Some of you coat dull.  Some of you coat shear.  So shear in fact, that when an attempt to see past that coating occurs, we get our faces slammed, and slammed hard.  An inevitable self recovery takes over, we realize we are too close, and the resultant awkwardness begins.  If we aren't careful that awkwardness quickly turns into a never ending cycle of unattainable redemption on the part of our inner pressure washer.   I kind of pride myself in my thoughtfulness.  You have all heard me say, or read me write that I really, and I mean really struggle with the lack of love I get back.  I extend myself too much emotionally to my friends and family and when I don't get it back, I am emotionally deflated.  And look, I am not quick to say that I am victimized in this.  The truth is, if I gave it freely without desiring anything back, I probably would get it back.  I ain't no fool people, just inpatient and human.  Word?  I had this friend, who I can confidently now say was/is dead inside.  I was beyond emotionally available to this person when our bottom line never aligned.  She never knew it when we spoke.  She never knew it when she confided.  She never knew it when we broke bread.  My coat, is of the chameleon.  And for her it was something special.  Mostly because, unlike many people, I believe that we can all be friends.  That we can all extend a part of ourselves to each other for the sake of humanity.  I believe that just because we don't believe the same, and because we don't live the same, because we aren't ingrained the same, we can still love each other, support each other and be present for one another.  Don't you?  Or are we so falsely integrated, that our qualms have the color and the water fountains still label where I may drink?  I am thirsty.  I hope you are thirsty too.  Moreover, I hope that when you are thirsty and the fountains are dry, that you will know my secret canister of quench awaits you.  I can't tell you how many times I feel I write about this.  I feel like I have the same fight with Marcus.  I feel like I am on replay at work sometimes.  And I'm often troubled with the idea that maybe, just maybe our coats aren't necessarily unbreakable from the outside in, but our own inability to remold from the inside out.  All this to say...remold people...remold! 

Now here's a part of my life on replay that I don't mind having, or sharing for that matter.

Have I mentioned the love that is my Marcus?  This trip he made unsolicited by me mind you, is just a reminder that he is the best.  Sally, graduated, again, and I was working...so he and the baby had a little mancation to the Big T, Tennessee that is.

Every pic we took was of lil bugga being a silly fool...Merry Christmas!

Got a great reference on where to see Santa this year, and we ain't never looking back folks.

Marcus has been lucky to have friends he has known since kindergarten.  I wish I were that lucky.  It's telling really, of what kind of man he is and what kind of a woman I am not.  We went to see Los Lonely Boys at the HOB, amazing!!!  They always rock it out, and I was stoked because I kept it a surprise until we were there.  We were also lucky enough to run into pals at one of our favorite bars after the concert.

Is it wrong to always celebrate with food?  I think not.  So we did that and had a white Christmas.  Honestly can't remember ever having one.

We went to the park.  And not just any park y'all.  A fancy one in the city.  It was our second time, but first as a family, and certainly not our last.  We also took the train.  And not just any train y'all.  A fancy one in the city.  OUR GREAT CITY of Dallas.  Who knew we could go as deep as tri-level?  I sure as hell didn't. 

 

dead or just phony...

Do you ever get embarrassed?  The kind of embarrassed that if people saw you, you'd be mortified?  What about when you watch a show, and you see someone doing something "embarrassing", you get all squirmy because the pure sight of it makes you want to gag a bit?  These days, when I'm getting ready for anything, be it work, a friend gathering or just brushing my teeth, I get embarrassed.  I have this one mirror though, in my new house, oddly enough it's my vanity mirror, that is the biggest liar I know.  I wish at times I could tell that liar to come with me every where that I go.  Last night Marcus and I had a Christmas party to go to.  I had bought this dress and I love the dress.  Put that sucker on, mind you status post spanx of course, and turned around, looked in "that mirror" and I gotta say, I was kinda feeling good.  Even had the courage to ask Marcus to come in from the living room to sneak a peek pre hair and makeup, and he said he liked it, a lot.  Can I just say something real quick though?  I never put spanx on near a mirror.  NEVER.  I never put spanx on in front of Marcus, EVER.  As a matter of fact, the "I'm getting dressed, putting on the spanx" announcement is always made, status pre.  And as I was putting them on last night I got to thinking about the vanity they carry in addition to their elasticity strength.  And wonder if when I put them on that vanity is enmeshed somehow in me.  Something about feeling snug, tight, compact and put together that gives me a feeling of confidence.  It's ironic really because the pure sight of them is embarrassing. If Marcus were to ever walk in mid way, I would be mortified.  When I see the damn adds on TV or in Macy's on the hanger, I want to gag, unapologetically even.  Yet, I never leave home without them, I mean, wherever an outfit may imply the imperfection that is my lumpiness, I strap those suckers right on.  I guess I never really need a mirror to tell me what I already know.  And you're curious what that is?  Me too, I haven't a clue.  I just know that I need to stop looking at one hoping to hear something, see something, that I should already know.  In the meantime, these days, the play button on my camera has been showing me what I actually already know.  And you're curious what that is?  Scroll down!



Our neighborhood has an awesome Parents Group, and they have been so great about welcoming us to the neighborhood.  One of the many things they do/we do, is have a Halloween Block Party.  Adan had a blast, and honestly, we did too.

Friday Funight is back, we were on sabbatical for a month, back to school stuff.  We may love to party, but we are nearly all mommas and back to school is a time where going out is less and your babies need you more.  Needless to say, WE ARE BACK.  This Friday was on a Saturday, and who can give a better reason to have it that way other than...the SPAZMATICS, that's who!

Riri was here over Thanksgiving.  We love Riri.  We love throwback Riri even more, especially when he's jumping rope.  LOL.

Marcus plays hooky from time to time, and Adan eats that time up.  Mostly because I might as well not be alive.  These boys have a special bond, and I'm just lucky to be allowed to tag along...and snap a shot or two.

DAI.  Yes, it's my husbands employer.  Yes, his blackberry is never far.  Yes, it gets on my last nerves.  But the bigger yes is that they always, ALWAYS have these great annual Christmas Party's with crazy gifts for their employees families.

Cici.  We, I learned, to call her Martha.  Have I told you how fabulous she is.  She threw a Christmas Wreath Making Party.  I really have to start carrying around my own lighting because what I really wanted to do was take pictures of her home.  She is phenomenal.  She left her six figure income to have a family, and has now started her own business.  You want to know the meaning of true love.  Cindy is true love.  She lives for her family.  She loves her friends.  And I am just about the luckiest person to be included in her life.  I love you boo.

Have I told you how much I love to snap pictures?  My sister, Lori.  She reminds me everyday what determination and setting your mind to something really means.  She used to model for Page Parkes and when I looked at all the wonderful pics I caught of her and her family, I was reminded again, of why she was a model.

Marrying Marcus was the highlight of my life.  Getting his family as my family was a very close second.  Titi and Juju, they might as well be blood.  I love them so much, and they trusted me enough to snap them too. 

Marcus' international career brings him a bunch of cool things...traveling, traveling and more traveling.  One of the many perks his wife gets is a night out where I get to dress up and sit at the open bar with his colleagues wives.

 

Timing...

Do u ever get tired of playing the game? U know the one. The "I don't like you but we are around each other enough so let's pretend to like each other game"?  I have to admit, I'm a genius at this game. Look, honestly I kinda pride myself in my ability to bullshit. I'm very good at it. However, I'm always the first one to bitch about your lack of sincerity where I'm concerned, directly. I'm not quite sure I know how to change this. I've tried many methods.  Sometimes I feel like I'm a walking contradiction.  My methods are successful at arms length, and are a fail miserable when you peel away the layers and find...nothing.  It's brewing, brewing bad. And I'm annoyed, beyond belief at women and their incessant ability to live in "pittyville".  I live there too, don't get me wrong.  I actually own quite a bit of property there, however I also own an even bigger amount in "have the confidence woman or you better pretend you do valley".  What I really want to do and what I am allowed to do are at a difference of extremes right now.  I wish that I could shake half of the people that take up the same air space as I do.  I feel like I have always been that girl that talks to everyone.  I've always been that way.  At the grocery store, I look for name tags and call you by name, just what I do.  In college, I did all the social events, because I was stupid enough to think we could all actually get along.  At my new job, I've tried to do the same, but there are always those damn winey ass women who just can't seem to pull their pathetic personalities out of their own ass and maybe step out of their comfort zone and do the same for themselves that they expect me to do for them.  Stop blaming everyone else for your inability to crack the damn code that doesn't even exist.  You are amazing at creating a wall for yourself that we all see and have no desire to break because the rebuttal of conformity for yourself would be, "I'm just not good enough".  Did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, I feel the same way you do, and that I am so good at the game that you have no clue I am more alike than different from you?  And that it is women like you that are creating problems for people that are just trying to show up and do a job and get the fuck home.  I AM SO PISSED.  Even more pissed that the other more endearing quality that I have, the ability to vault it up and throw the key away, has just literally bit me so hard on my ass, it's bigger.  And I never thought my butt could get any bigger, go figure.  Grow up.  All of you.  Seriously, grow up. 

On another lighter note.  My husband and I got in the hot tub last night, a la nude.  And it was amazing.  I have never skinny dipped in a hot tub.  The moon was full, the beer was ice cold and the steam was present, literally, get your mind out of the gutter.  It was awesome.  You all know how Marcus is quite the code to crack, but he was a chatter box last night and it was fun to listen.  I love you for fixing it, you always fix it but moreover, you fix me. 

the sum of all things is...

I have again had a large amount of time lapse between the last time I posted to now, and the anxiety is too much.  So instead of pondering my life events the past few weeks and talking/writing about it here, I am just going to share my time stoppers and enlighten you with visual stimulation.  Sometimes I wonder if you get tired of hearing me complain.  I can tend to lay it on very thick here, albeit vague.  And it's so dang thick right now the callus' are forming.  I honestly want to say thanks for reading what I have to say.  I know at times you may not always agree with my outlook, knowing you read it makes me happy. 



Gobblins have arrived...and a pumpkin or two too :)

Went to Mexico on the tails of a family wedding, and totally bumbed we can't visit my grandparents land becasue of the state Mexico is in...but Lord willing, WE WILL GET THERE.  Adan was pumped bc he got to hand his passport over to "la migra" all by himself...lol

The Wedding.  Unfortunately all of my life a lot of my family memories have been around my dad's side of the family and my mom's side is always burned on the back.  Now that I'm grown, and realize what true love is, I want nothing more than to spend it with those that show it, live it and give it in the raw form.  My family, the Alba's.  My grandparents would be so proud of their grand babies.  I love you Nuno and Olga, congrats.

Then a pit stop in San Antonio.  I forgot what fun this city is, probably bc getting Adan to see things is like I get to see them all over again

Lil Debbie is WED!!!  She was so happy, IS SO HAPPY. 

Paige is getting older, and I am getting luckier and luckier that she still wants me around to celebrate.  This woman is probably the best friend a girl could have.  Mostly bc she is imfamous for love, but also crazy bright, wise and able to be objective in all areas of her life, subjective when it matters and never not present when she's needed.  I love you Paige, so much, I am so glad that your tripod was extended to me. 

Titi had a birthday too.  Birthdays for everyone in October apparently.  I love you too, u r just getting started, and I will never tell anyone how old you are...they wouldn't ever believe me anyway

Our New Crib...what?

Sensing a theme here?  I hope so, and if not, then you must know it was also Lori's Birthday.  Word!!!

 

 

and so it begins...

Lately it seems that when things are put on my plate, I just do them.  Not that I was ever opposed to getting "things" done, it's just I would be lying if I didn't admit here that I like the acknowledgment of having accomplished it, and well.  It appears I exude this self confidence, a confidence that is very loud, so loud that, "she'll be okay", is my opponents mantra.  I have an incredible ability to camouflage well.  I have an incredible ability to never say no, and these two combinations my friends, are a horrific combination.  Do you know anyone like this?  Well...you do now.  We are surrounded by predators.  Predators of the emotional appetite.  Their hunger comes in many forms.  And these predators ability to hide their underlying intent is almost as incredible an ability as mine is to facilitate their arrival at the dinner table.  I don't own any self defense weapons, nor do I pretend to know what any of the sort would be.  Marcus has a gun, so technically, when the "what's mine is yours and yours is mine" sings in acapella in the background, I guess I could say it's mine also, but whatevs.  He took me a while back, a real while back to shoot, at a range.  And knowing my personality, I thought I would be a badass, a real BAD ASS.  A few instructions on the hand gun, and I was off.  I was a hot mess, never opened my eyes, at least not where the aiming, shooting and pulling the trigger was concerned, but other than that, my eyes were lit open.  Translation: I sucked.  Couldn't shoot the target, much less the paper it was attached too...when it was 3 feet in front of me. I guess you could say that in literal forms of aim, point and shoot are concerned, I am not your typical success story, but listen closely folks, my success comes in other forms, and my ownership in hitting that target is unmeasurable.  So unmeasurable, that tracks in the objective form don't exist, and you will live out, fatigued in your attempt to solve what is my ability to camo up.   You see, you are not the only one with an appetite.  I have one too, we all do, and you should be awful thankful that it's my emotional appetite that is of the stronger will, because if we were speaking in regards to the appetite south of my breasts, you'd be toast. 

We're moved in.

We're moved in, somewhat.

We're moved in, somewhat, enough to have people over.

Since we have a pool, it's time to learn to use it, the right way.  This place is year round, with indoor swimming, LOVE.

We closed, duh, and this is the second time we've used them, and they are fabu.

De-cristen the pool time, and Labor Day was calling.  Did I also mention that it was our move in weekend, we are relentless.

This little fool started his second year of pre-school, and his first year at this place. Courtesy of this woman and her wonderful recommendation.

The best thing about my friend's are their love for my little family, especially when all things Adan are concerned.  Paige just loves Adan, and I'd be lying if I said he didn't love her back.